The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy
by General Rage
Summary: A prequel the TT Movie Parodies from hell Story starring Blackfire and a parody of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. TT and Hitchhiker fans alike, enjoy. Full Summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

Taking a cue from Philosophical Satirical writing I've decided to make this small parody of Douglas Adams' much celebrated work, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." This story is basically a prequel to "Teen Titans: Political Movie Parodies from Hell!" where Blackfire is cast out of Tamaran and forced to make her way to Earth if she wishes to survive. Along the way she meets all sorts of stupid civilizations and starts questioning her place in the universe as well as the point of it all. You would too if you started going through the bullcrap she's about to encounter.

Edit: Paragraphs!

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The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy

Starring Blackfire

Chapter 1: Refus 12

In the course of human history there has existed the irrefutable fact that everyone comes to realise sooner or later. The whole world is completely pissed off at each other. Because of this everyone is trying to find away to get rid of the people who piss them off or pay them back for whatever it is that has gotten them angry at them. Whether its religious persecution, ethnic cleansing or people just suing one another, people will express how pissed off they are all the time. The only way people can escape the persecution of the people who are pissed off with them is to evidently leave. This is inevidently makes the pissed at party refugees. Whether they be leaving a country because of political persecution or a fatherdecides to leave the town with his family because the plant boss is a greedy asshole who likes to make his life a living hell, these people can be considered refugees. The former unfortunately just doesn't have another home to go to and latter has already quit and found a new job anyway. This concept is not only true for our planet but for other planets as well.

The universe is beset by other lifeforms who just plain don't like each other and the only way to end the squabble is to either kill the offending person or just leave the planet and never return. Some are leaving cause they want to and other are being deported because the government of their home planet is full of hateful jerks who just don't like them and have pretty much blamed them for all their planet's problems just so they don't get thrown out of office.

Political and ethic refugees of course, whether forced or unforced to leave their planets, are therefore all in same boat. Becoming a refugee is the ultimate equalizer because now that you have no home there's no reason to be pissed off at anyone except the peoplewho threw you out. Of course the concept of becoming an exile/refugee doesn't just amount for ethnic groups and dissadents, it can also account for the people in power.

You see if a leader of a government is so incredibly inept or evil or just a right plain bastard someone is eventually going to get so pissed of at them that they will openly start criticsing them. Eventually there is a revolt and one of three things happens. The ruler is killed, or captured, found guilty in a trial and then killed, or they are exiled and told never to return. Whether the action is just or unjust is up to history to decide, but for now the ruler is now homeless and powerless and this makes him/her a refugee. In space the same concept applies, but like with all refugees in space there are some problems that the exiled rulers must now face.

Refugees who get tossed out of their planet or leave by their own descision will encounter the problem of 'where the hell do we go to now?' Most of them will wind up wandering the galaxy alone and wind up at a dingy fuel station or diner orbiting an asteroid or moon to take up a crappy job as a janitor cleaning out the restrooms. The lucky ones of course end up on a dwarf planetoid known as Refus 12. A ugly little mud hole in the middle of no where. Refugees and exiles who find there way here or are dropped off here will find the planetiod is over crowded, smelly and dingy.

Here they wait to be given thge proper clearance by the Intersteller Bureaucracy to immigrate to a more suitable planet. Until then they stay in makeshift huts and tents while eating passed out gruel and becoming more depressed with each passing day. It doesn't help that the panet gets new arrivals almost everyday. In fact thispoint in time a new arrival is being dropped off at Refus 12.

Blackfire of Tameran was the former ruler of her planet Tameran, hence her title. Ruling it with an iron fist after she broke out of Galactic Prison, she fake an invasion of the drenthax army in order to consolidate power through fear and convince her sister Starfire, whom she hated, to marry one of them inorder to make the fake invasion go away. Also she had a made a deal with the Drenthax to get a special jewel that would make far more powerful then any Tamaranian ever. Her scheme was found out however, she lost a battle for the the crown to her sister and was hence forth banished from Tameran.

She would have gone to the Drenthax homeworld, but those people were disgusting. So she ended up on Refus 12, which is slightly better then the Drenthrax home planet but sucked just as badly for her. In order to survive in this new harsh universe with no possible knowledge of how to manage without any money or resources of her own, she will need help. Lucky for her, that help is about to come in the form of guide specifically designed for people like her. As the Tamaranian ship lets her off however that is the last thing she is worried about.

"I demand an inquiry to the results of that challenge!" Blackfire demanded from the guard standing on the open door of the ship. "Starfire was most obviously using drugs or steroids or something."

The guard only looked at her with uncaring eyes.

"You lost she won." He said "Live with it okay."

But Blackfire was unmoved. She most certainly did not want to be thrown out of her own planet only to be forced to consort with lowlifes and other scum.

"You just can't leave me here with these poor people!" Blackfire argued "They have dieseases! And they smell!"

The guard only shrugged

"You'll get use to it." He said, reaching into his pocket."By the way you'll need this."

The guard passed Blackfire a dark sickly green shawl which she caught. Deducing that she was being told to where you can imagine her dissaproval.

"I am so not wearing this!" Blackfire protested "I'll be far more happy wearing my ordinary battle armour thank you very much."

However the guard soon explained she didn't have a choice.

"Unfortunately if you don't wear the shawl, these refugees will see you as an outcast from them and repeatedly spit on you while you pass. By the way, you're right about them having desieases, those lot have leprosy."

Blackfire looked over to where the guard was pointing. She saw a large group of coughing, ugly looking aliens, one of whom had just lost his arm and was bending down to pick it up when his foot came off and he fell. Blackfire shuddered and quickly put the shall over her head.

"This is such a horrible fashion statement." She commented

"Enjoy your crappy life former grand ruler." The guard waved as the ship's doors closed.

The ship then took off into the sky and rocketed its way into space, leaving Blackfire behind with over 200 billion poor, washed up, and depressed people. To say the least, it was the worst day of her life.

"This is the worst day of my life!" She screamed.

Everyone pretty much ignored her ranting for the next several minutes as she paraded through the unwashed masses and tents, complaining how much she hated her sister, her people, her sister's friends, and spoted off several threats about what she was going to do to them when she got out here. Naturally this gave all inhabitants of the Refus 12 a good picture of why she had been exiled.

Blackfire eventually got hungry after all her shouting and found her way to the nearest soup kitchen, one of several thousand and all of which served the same soup...Bruel.

The intersteller cousin of Gruel, served on earth, Bruel tastes far worse then gruel could ever hope to be. The only way to make actually taste good is to eat with a special kind of food called craptack which is the equivilant of Earth's hardtack, a horrible tasting bread that only tastes good in soup. Craptack is made from the same ingredients as bread with a few slight ingredients in it that differ, including crap. Strangely, Craptack is considered tasty by many alien societies and can dull the taste of Bruel slightly so one can actually eat it without throwing up...that doesn't mean however Bruel will now taste better. It only took a taste for Blackfire to immedietly spit out her Bruel covered Craptack in disgust.

"I'm suppose to eat gormet food made by the finest chefs of tamaran." she said "They expect us to eat this swill? What makes them think they can do this?"

"Well," a nearby Refugee said to her "we usually get special airdrops from the Galactic Red Cross a couple days. Unfortunately there funding has been cut and they only send one box of actually good food every week."

Blackfire threw her soup to the ground.

"They can't treat us like this." she said "We have rights you know! Especially me! I have the most rights of anyone! I'm royalty for X'hal's sake!"

"Well get use to it." The refugee told her "You don't got any riches, servants or peaseants to boss around anymore. You're one of us now."

"One of us! One of us!" The group of surrounding Refugees chanted

Blackfire only slapped her forehead.

"Well I may be one of you, but I'm not going to stay with you." She said defiantly standing up "I'm getting off this planet if its the last thing I do."

"Ya can't just leave!" The refugee beside her said "You got nowhere to go! You don't even have a ship!"

"I can breathe in space." She told him "I don't need one."

"Well you just can't leave Refus 12!" He told her "You have to go through the proper channels like the rest of us here. That means applying for a passport and immigration papers from the Intergalactic Bureaucracy. Then you have to sign out those forms and send them back to the Bureaucracy and wait for them to approve your passport and then they must decide on what planet to send you to and sign the proper form to allow you to go to that planet and then sign the form to send a ship to Refus 12 to pick you up and then you have to sign the forms to allow your person to get on the ship but before that you must sign the form to cancel your citizenship on Refus 12 or you can't leave."

Blackfire perched an eyebrow at this.

"Tell me," she asked "wehn is the last time any of you has gotten off this damn rock?"

"Hmm," The refugee pondered "about...60 years ago a ship arrived for one guy! But he plopped dead before he got on the ship. They're still signing the form to allow his body to be buried on his home planet."

Blackfire soon realised she was not going to get off this damn rock by waiting and she would need to escape to the nearest planet from this dismall place. However this was the middle of nowhere and she had no idea where to go or how to survive anyway.

"Listen you can rot here all you want," she told the refugees "but I'm not made for this stuff. Is there any guide you have here that can tell me how to get off this rock and to the nearest planet available?"

The refugee scratched his head a little before reaching under the table.

"Well there was this one guy who dropped a book here saying that if we ver found an exiled member of a royal family like yourself we should give this to you."

The refugee handed Blackfire a stachel and inside was a black labtop looking device with the words, 'Don't Spazz Out' printed on the back in big yellow letters. Blackfire opened it up and it revealed on the dual screen its title. 'The Exiled Ruler's Gudie to the Galaxy' with all sorts of stubs and buttons pointing out different subject it contained. Blackfire realized that this was what she was looking for but she didn't quite understand what it was all about.

"The instruction said you had to ask it something before it tells you anything." The refugee explained

"Hmm," Blackfire nodded turning to the book "okay. What are you?"

Suddenly a screen on the book popped up listening all sorts of information, a soothing voice appeared and recited it all to her.

_'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' is the most popular choice of travel guide for a political leader who has just lost everything to a coup, rebellion or losing a match for the crown to a younger sibling. It is designed so it can only be read by members of royal blood, or people who have been kicked out of politics in general. _

_It has rocketed far up the bestseller's list past other popular travel guide contenders like 'The Official Galactic Guide to Everything' for a few reasons. First, its slightly cheaper, its far more encompassing and easy to use, theres been a recent increase in deposed despots and planetary leaders over the past several years and it has the words 'Don't Spazz Out' printed on the back in large yellow letters. Which is somewhat of a calming and generally soothing factor many people seem to be comforted by for some dubious reason._

"Wow." Blackfire said when the book was done "Impressive gadget. And since I'm Royalty I'm the only one here who can use it?"

The refugee nodded

"Not that its gonna help you escape this place." He told her "The Bureaucracy would be on your tail in an instant...well as soon as they get the proper form to allow them to get on your tail of course."

"Who the hell are these Intergalactic Bureaucracy losers anyway?" Before the refugee could answer, the Guide explained it better.

_The Intergalactic Bureaucracy is the major galactic entity that pretty much controls every aspect of political life that they can get their hands on. Their main idea is to spread order through the universe and keep everyone from trying to kill each other, at least without filling the proper forms of course. _

_So far they've been largely unsuccessful in their goals, due to the fact they are way overly complicated and are so incredibly dull and boring they are out of touch with reality. They are not evil persee, but without emotions or understanding for others problems. _

_If given the chance to save a planet from a destructive super nova wave of their nearby dying sun they would first need to file forms of to aquire the pre-forms of the forms they can use to send a mass evacuation of the planet and then those forms must spent several days under review, lost, refound, buried, then found again, and lost one more time before being found and approved so they can get the forms for them to approve the approved forms and send over the evacuation ship that first must have the entire population sign several forms proving their citizenship before they can get on the evac crafts. _

_By then the planet is probably scorched to oblivion however and it doesn't matter. So they decide to approve the forms that will approve the requested speech that should be made to the public to explain why they messed it up so badly. _

_Also if anyone attempts to do something without their permission they will be hunted down to no ends and be forced to sign papers that they're naughty or be vaporized. The few planets not under their control are solely situated on the outer rim of the Galaxy. They don't go there because they say those places are far to chaotic for them to try and save. There are few other planets that they have not approved to expand their empire to, mostly because of their own ineptitude in filing reports and forms._

Blackfire wasn't at all afriad of the Bureaucracy now that she knew what they were. So that only meant she didn't care for the consequences of her actions in escaping this hell hole.

"Well thanks for the help Refugees." She said as she got up to walk away "If you need me I'll be planning my escape thank you."

The refugees sat while Blackfire walked away, lugging the satchel over her back along with the gudie inside. and pretty much ignored all their advice on trying to escape. In turn they jusut forgot about it and went back to eating their unsatisfying dinner. It was a few hours later though that they heard an explosion on the other side of the planet. anything that loud had to be something big before long they saw a huge plume trail of smoke lauching up into the sky and away from the planet Refus 12.

Everyone was rather confused as to what the hell just happened and to properly explain we need to follow Blackfire. After she left the refugees to sulk Blackfire travelled to the other side of the planet to find that Bureaucracy station that was supposedly where people applied to wait over 60 years just to get off this rock. After pushing her way to the front of the line that was over 50 miles long she foun herself at the booth where a well dressed gentlemen stood.

"Madame please return to the back of the line please." He said "If you want to cut you're going to have fill out the proper cutting forms and then deliver them to the booth on the other side of the planet. The line starts right next to us."

Indeed the line did start right next to them, Blackfire looked over to see the very red velvet rope that formed the line. A lot of trouble just to cut in line. But Blackfire wasn't here for that.

"Listen you guys obviously don't stay twenty four seven right?" She asked

"No we do not." The Bureaucrat responded "We fill out a special form that we transfer to the main database back at the Bureaucracy headquarters. We then have a certain time limit from there on to prepare ourselves to leave through the small rocket pod in back of me."

Blackfire's sinister smile grew wider.

"So you have a little rocket ship behind this booth huh?" Blackfire asked

"I'm sorry miss," The bureaucrat said "but you can only ask me one question per day. You must fill out these forms if you wish to ask another question to me."

The bureaucrat put the forms on the table, a five inch thick stack of papers to be precise. Blackfire however didn't even bother to argue. She blasted the papers with her starbolts and grabbed the bureaucrat by his collar.

"You need to fill out the proper form to institute violence against a member of the Intergalactic Bureaucracy!" He shouted as he flew through the air.

Blackfire blast the booth open and entered the now revealed rocket ship. Pressing the convienently marked go button she suddenly blasted off straight into the sky and away from Refus 12. the refugees and the fallen bureaucrat were stunned. Immedietly the bureaucrat, seeing the fuss blackfire had caused called the Bureaucracy HQ.

"We have a situation!" The bureaucrat said into the futuristic looking statelite phone he held. "Someone has decided to escape Refus 12 qithout filling the proper escapeing forms before the escaping booth! Quick! Get the forms to file and approve the request form to ask permission for us to go after her!"

Will Blackfire manage to find a planet close enough for her to land at and escape the Bureaucracy? Will the Bureaucracy even be a problem to bother escaping? How come none of the refugees tried to revoly and take these rocket ships in the booths for themselves? And why exactly would someone drop a random electronic book at a dingy mud ball and give it to some poor refugees who can't even use it? These questions will probably be answered in the next chapter of The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Ralphaysian Ship

In the introduction to the Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy it states:

_The reason you are reading this book is because awhile ago you were one the most powerful richest people in the universe and now you're nothing but a poor pathetic nobody wandering the galaxy without a home. Whether or not you deserved this fate is not up to us, but history itself. _

_Therefore this book does not intend to judge you on your actions. __It doesn't matter to us if you have slaughtered thousands, got yourself impeach because you're an idiot or you're just a slefish col-hearted bitch, we believe that you deserve a second chance. That and letting you waste away in the cold dark universe would mean we are just as callous and cold hearted as you. By the off chance you're actually a nice guy, well then that suits us fine. _

_Hopefully in either case your travels through the galaxy will get you a better understanding of the world around you and perhaps make you a better person. We're not guarateening that however cause we do not want to be sued for false advertising._

This open and neutral additude towards any exiled and thrown out planetary ruler be they king or dictator is a rather new concept and seen as very open minded. Coincidentally, Blackfire of Tamaran who just an hour ago escaped from the planet Refus 12 in a Rocket ship behind a booth is about to have a run in with a race of beings who are completely the opposite of the Guide's philosophy.

They are closed minded, bias and completely irrational beyond any doubt. But then again so is any race to a certain degree so why do we bother explaining this. In any case Blackfire is about to learn one of the first hard lessons of being a Galactic refugee and in fact life, stay away from weirdos.

"Stupid sister of mine." Blackfire grumbled as her ship moved through the endless blackness of space. "If it weren't for her I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid rocket ship in the first place. I'd go back to Tamaran and give her a piece of my mind...well if the whole Exile thing didn't mean if I returned to Tamaran I'd get my head chopped off. Still there has to be something I can do."

Blackfire pondered her own querry. How was she ever going to solve this problem. at the moment she was travelling in the middle of nowhere, with a rocket ship that she had no idea how far it would actually get her and of course no idea of where to go.

When she asked the guide most of the planets listed on it were rather undesirable for her tastes, that and the guide cautioned against going to them. the onyl place she could think of travelling to now was Earth.

"Of course!" she said "Earth! My sister didn't banish me from Earth did she? I can always go there and start a new life or something. Now if I just knew where it was from here precisely."

Unfortunately Blackfire had absolutely no idea where to go from her present position to arrive on Earth and so she was completely lost. She decided to ask the guide on Earth hoping she'd get a map of some kind, what she got instead was this explanation.

_Harmless and rather primative. Comprised of a main species of Hairless Apes, some bits of the population however seem to have a problem admiting this however._

"Well that sure helps me find the Earth from here faster." Blackfire sarcastically complained "I need to find someone with better directions."

It took a few mere seconds to look around and of course find someone to possibly give her directions. She eventually did however spot something on the rocket ship's radar. Peering off into the distance at the position it apparently was located at she soon saw a purple dot grow larger and larger as it past her by.

It was a huge ship, shaped like that of a sleek Battleship with wings and rocket boosters to make it apparently look more like it belonged in space. It was compeltely covered in purple and immedietly reminded Blackfire of some of the cheesy Space movies that her Sister's friends had talked about while she was on Earth.

"Well its my only choice at the moment." Blackfire shrugged

She quickly patched into the intercom and contacted the ship.

"Hail large purple space craft this is Blackfire of Tamaran." she spoke "I need directions to the blue ball planet known as Earth. I'm a bit lost and I need to-"

Suddenly the ship shot out a large purple beam and sucked Blackfire into its docking bay.

"HEY!" she shouted "What the hell are you people doing? Release me at once you assholes! you're dealing with Royalty here!"

Her pleads over the intercom went unheard and Blackfire's ship was pulled up into the docking bay. Quickly, saw blades ripped apart the back of her cockpit cabin and two large metal arms shook her out of her ship. She found herself on the cold hard floor of the ship docking bay and surrounded by incredibly hairy guards with proton rifles all pointing at her.

"Resistance is useless." One of them announced

Picking her up of the floor the hairy aliens dragged her away and out of the docking bay.

"Who are you?" She demanded as she struggled to free herself "What the hell do you people think you're doing? Let me go!"

"Resistance is useless." The same guard muttered

"I demanded to know why you are holding me? What intergalactic law have I possibly violated by asking directions?"

Blackfire's question was answered swiftly as she was thrown into the large cell.

"You are now a Prisoner of the Ralphaysian Republic for Illegal Immigaration and wishing to travel to the planet of Sodomites." The guard said

"What?" Blackfire shouted in confusion "What are you talkiing about?"

"Resistance is useless." The Guard said shutting the door and locking it behind him

At least blackfire knew who these people were, and thanks to her new Guide friend she soon would know more about them. Opening it up she said to the book.

"Ralphaysian."

Instantly the screen flickered and up came a picture of the same hair species that had thrown her into this dismal cell. The book then recited the information.

_Ralphaysians are a cruel, close-minded and completely stubborn race. Believing themselves to know all the right answers they've attempted to spread these answers to the Universe through force and assimilation. They are completely covered in dense hair from head to toe, not because they are born that way but because they never shave at all in their lives. _

_Ralphaysians have never once admitted that they could perhaps be wrong, it has been theorized that if a Ralphaysian ever once even entertained the idea of being wrong about something their brain would explode at once and send a chain reaction through the entire species that would cause them all to die off within seconds. _

_The reason for their unwavering stubborness of insisting that they are never wrong is the fact that they have no system of education on their planet. Instead all Ralphaysian children when they are born are stuck into a machine called 'The Great Answerer' that pre-programs all of its already organized and pre-programed "Facts" into the child's brain. These "Facts" lead them to eventually come up with opinions of course, but the way the facts are scewed all opinions are essentially the same, unwavering, bias, undisputable by law and unconfrontational in any sense. _

_In line with the Ralphaysian train of thought, 'The Great Answerer' has never been updated since its creation over a thousand some odd years ago. Changes or new information would account as heresy in Ralphaysian society and would be punishable by death, hence no one has ever tried to update the machine ever. among the core beliefs of the Ralphaysians are, all other Religions are wrong, People who have different opinions then there own are idiots, Illegal Immigrants crossing their borders have no rights and are all Drug Dealers or Terrorists, Evolution is a fraud and the main principal belief of their entire race, Homosexuals must all die. _

_In fact the Ralphaysians have made it their mission to seek out and either fix homosexuals into becoming straight or destroy them. They do not believe them to be human beings but rather Parasites feeding on the fabric of society and others. Naturally the rest of the galaxy finds them loathsome and not just because of their beliefs, but because they are always begging other nations for money so they may continue to fund this ideological war. Needless to say they have very few allies. _

_If you are ever to come across a Ralphaysian warship in your travels, do not attempt to make contact and simply get away from it as fast as you can. Mainly because they will consider you an illegal alien and capture you. __If you DO find yourself captured by a Ralphaysian be sure to just nod your head and go with everything they say and remember to never, ever mention the planet Earth. If you do you will most likely never manage to escape their clutches. _

_In case all of this advice is now no longer void cause you have both contacted them and mentioned Earth we suggest reading further into Ralphaysian history and ship design to plan your escape. Otherwise you will be subject to their pretentious self-rightous ranting. If you can, cover your ears, it helps somewhat._

While this did not strengthen her resolve against these aliens, Blackfire at least now took comfort in the fact she knew who they were. Hopefully she could find a way off of this ship before anything serious happened to her. Of course her ship was destroyed and she didn't know anyway else off the ship.

Perhaps if she got one of the Aliens to admit they were long they would all die and she'd be able to escape, like the guide mentioned. Unfortunately she didn't have time to answer her question because the metal suddenly opened up and she was grabbed by two Ralphaysians and dragged away towards the ship's bridge.

The Bridge itself looked similar to something out of Star Trek, another show Blackfire had become aware of thanks to her sister's Earthling friends. The Captain's chair swivelled around and revealed a large red haired Ralphaysian with a huge beard. Pulling himself out of the chair the hairy alien walked right over to Blackfire and stared her in the face.

"So this is the one that wishes to travel to Planet of Sodomites then." The captain said "Lucky we found you and stopped your pilgramage to that wretched planet. Going there is bad enough but actually travelling through our borders! Well to say the least I don't think you're very smart."

Blackfire decided to explain herself, perhaps she'd be able to appeal to their sense of reason...if they had any at all that is.

"Look," she began "I didn't know I was crossing through your controlled space okay. I have just escaped from Refus 12 and I'm now in a part of the Galaxy I've never even travelled to. So you can see its an honest mistake really."

The hairy alien only laughed at her statement.

"You expect me to believe that story that you're trying to find a better life?" He said "The only people who dare cross our borders are terrorists and Drug Dealers, crinimals all of them."

Blackfire tried once more to reason with this person.

"Look I know illegal immigration is a problem, Tamaran's been suffering with it for years." She explained "But really, I'm not a terrorist and I have no drugs. I just wanted to leave my crappy existance on another planet and find a better one somewhere else. What I did was wrong and I'm sorry. So you can just dropp me off at the nearest little planetoid and I'll be on my way. Out of your hair forever."

The Ralphaysian captain was still unmoved.

"If I just let you go what kind of message would I be sending to other planets? Crossing our borders its okay, we'll just drop off somewhere? No way in hell. I'm not going to allow people like you to sell drugs to our children, endanger our security and take away our good jobs. Like Fry Cooking, Taxi Driving and picking fruit at the farm stations."

"Those sound like pretty crappy jobs actually." said Blackfire

"Hey whose giving the lecture here?" The captain "Shut up and listen illegal."

"Why don't you listen?" Blackfire told him "I didn't even know I was crossing into your border. A sign probably would've helped, a marker, hell even a Toll Booth Asteroid Station. How is anyone suppose to know if they've crossed into your border?"

"Because the twenty mile radius around our ship is the border of our space." The captain confirmed

At that point it donned on Blackfire that appealing to their sense of reasoning was a bad idea. Considering they thought fry cooking was a good job was absurd enough, but if they actually thought their warships were an extention of their border they were definetly not thinking straight.

"I still don't know why you're detaining me for wanting to go to Earth." She said

"Because Earth is a planet sodomites and homosexuals." The captain said "To allow someone to join such a festering ball of decay and diesease is insane. It is our job to decrease the amount of homosexual parasites in this galaxy. If we allowed every species to visit that planet we'd have a billion more gays in no time!"

"What the hell is wrong with gay people?" Blackfire asked

"They're an ill, a diesease, worse then any junkie or parasite in existance and must be destroyed!" The Captain bellowed

It was at this point Blackfire said somethign that pretty much doomed her in the eyes of the homophobic aliens, she could've kept it quiet and just went back to her cell, but unfortunate asking her to not speak her mind about something was foolish.

Tamaranians have always been a vocal race on their opinions, that was the only thing that Blackfire and her sister seemed to share in common and it was about to get Blackfire into some serious hot water. For she is about to say something that the rest of us will deem rather foolish to say in front of a pack of homophobic aliens who all have laser weapons.

"Have you ever considered that Gays are people too?" She asked

This immedietly let out a collective gasp from all Ralphaysians present and completely angered the captain beyond all ends.

"Take her to the execution chamber!" The captain demanded with a loud commnading voice.

Blackfire was grabbed by her shoulders and led out of the bridge. Of course not being one to actually like the idea of being executed and Blackfire immedietely stopped beating around the bush and used her powers to escape her captors. U

sing her super strength she lifted the two hairy guards holding off the ground and slammed them together. They dropped in a heap and Blackfire flew over them and down the hall. A platoon of Ralphaysians saw her and pointed their spears at her as she flew at them. Blackfire lauched a starbolt at them and sent them flying. Passing through the corridors and punching her way through the walls, she eventually found herself in the ship wasteroom.

Panting to herself heavily and proud that she had actually escaped she began to think of way to escape from this place before it was too late and she was found once again. She could simply breakout of the ship and find her way to Earth from there, but even though she could survive in space she probably wouldn't get far enough away from these jerks on just her powers alone. Plus with all that heavy artillery on this ship she'd never get far enough away with out being blasted to smithereans.

"I need to find some sort of fighter bay and make way to the nearest planet as fast as I can." she said "Only chance I got. Maybe the guide can tell me on how to reach it from here."

Blackfire reopened the guide, which was still on the Ralphaysian information page. pressing on the link that led her to the map of their warships she found that the figther hanger was all the way down in the aft of the ship.

"If I can just get down there I'll be home free." She thought to herself aloud "But I'm going to need an edge against these hairy assholes. I wonder if they have some kind of weakness or chink in that hairy armour of theirs."

Of course the answer was right in front of her, ask the guide about their weakness. Turning towards the book she said:

"Ralphaysian Weaknesses."

Within an instant a video file began to play that illustrated the following.

_The only known weakness of the Ralphaysians was discovered during the Ralphaysian-Transvestian war. The Transvestians were a race of beings that periodically changed their gender from female to male and back again every five years automatically. Seeing their existance as an abomination, The Ralphaysians declared war on the Transvestians so they could purge the galaxy of their ilk. _

_Unfortunately for them, the Transvestians had been changing their genders for so long now they were in touch with both their feminine and masculine sides. They possessed both the brawn and brains of women and men combined and therefore were able to easily last out in a war of attrition by the Ralphaysians by instituting coordinated attacks while the Hairy aliens that they now faced just ran all over the place idiotically in berserker charges that never really worked. Eventually the Transvestians noticed a biological weakness in the Ralphaysians genetic make-up from examining their dead. _

_It appeared that all Ralphaysians had severely delicate colons. If something, like a pole, was stuck up their rear ends they would instantly convuse and die of shock. This may be the explanation of the Ralphaysians fear of Homosexuals, but the Transvestians suggested that it was probably still the fact they were total assholes. With this new information in hand the Transvestians went on to win the war against the Ralphaysians and repel the entire invasion force. Since then Ralphaysians have vowed to eliminate all who practice anal sex whether they be Straight relationships or Homosexual ones._

With this information in mind, Blackfire grinned.

"Heh," she said "should've guessed that on my own I suppose."

Ripping off a large pipe from the wall, Blackfire made her way down to the fighter bay. She encountered a guard on her way out of the washroom and punched him to the ground as he attack. She then plugged the pipe into his butt and, while it didn't go far enough to kill him, he guard ran as fast as he could away from her in terror shouting.

"She has a weiner! She has a weiner!"

Blackfire only chuckled

"Idiot." She said "This pipe isn't even proper size to stick up anyone's arse...but they're so afraid of the thought that even I were to just touch them there they will go nuts. Reaching the fighter bay will be easy."

Blackfire continued her way down to the fighter bay. Hitting Ralphaysians in the butt and sending them crying away. It was the most embarrasing sight she had ever seen and couldn't help but laugh as she reached the fighter bay doors. There however she was met with a terrifying sight. A dozen Ralphaysians stood in front of her...all wearing a large metal block over their butts.

"Damn." She thought throwing away the pipe "Time to get back to basics then."

"There's no way out now." The lead Ralphaysian said "Your attempted sodomizing days are over."

"I don't need a pipe to send you homophobic jerks to their maker." She announced "I'm Blackfire of Tamaran and I'll kick all your asses to high heaven."

The Ralphaysians charged, rather all over the place and uncoordinated and stupidly, and Blackfire began launching her Starbolts at them. They were either knocked back or thrown several feet into the air. When they got close enough Blackfire began to punch them away. She ripped off a wing of a nearby fighter and threw it at three of the guards sending flying away.

She began firing her starbolts at the other fightercraft and causing them to explode. It sent a mass panic throughout the whole bay and gave Blackfire enough time to commandeer one of the ships. She fired a starbolt at the bay's control panel at the far end of the bay and within an instant the shield of the docking bay doors vanished.

Waving a hearty goodbye to her captors she launched herself out of the ship and made her way for the back of it. She fired a missile at its rocket boosters and watched as it exploded right in the middle of it. It sent a chain reaction throughout the ship and soon the boosters powered down, the engine had died.

"Now they won't be able to follow me for awhile." She said "With taht Blackfire flew away from the ship and looked on the controls for the hyperdrive. She found it as large red button and pressed it sending her flying off into space.

"Well that was the worst visit to a spaceship ever." She said to herself "I'm going to need to find a planet that will be way more friendly, or at least not full of assholes like those hairy freaks. Lets see what the ship's computer has to say about my present whereabouts."

Blackfire flipped a switch and a small computer screen popped up revealing map of the galaxy. Eventually it focused inward and small arrow appeared on the screen that said "You are here."

"Good to know." Blackfire responded to no one as she looked at the arrow "Now I need to know where I should go. Where's the nearest planet"

Computer beeped and following her request located her the small planet of Polis 4 only a few hundred lightyears away of she kept her present coordinates in hyperspace she would reach it in no time.

"Maybe there I can actually get some decent directions instead of being called an illegal and sentenced to death for wanting to visit Earth or soemthing." She thought

Suddenly a sound began to play on the ship's communicator, it was weird, sketchy and irrcomprehensible at the time. Wanting to udnerstand what the hell it was Blackfire adjusted the frequency and soon heard a tune.

**Incense and Peppermints,**

**Meaningless Nouns,**

**Turn on, tune in,**

**Turn your eyes around!**

"What the hell is this?" Blackfire said confused "And why the hell do I suddenly feel hungry?"

Why exactly is an Earth hippie song playing on Blackfire's communication line of her ship? Does it have anything to do with this planet she's visiting? What of the Ralphaysians and their ship? Will they float aimless in space and fall into a star and disintergrate before they can fix the engines? And what of the Intergalactic Bureaucracy? Have they managed to get all the proper papers signed so they may pursue Blackfire? Or are they still being inefficent and unessecarily complicated so much so that they can't really get anything done? Perhaps these questions will be answered in the next chapter of 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy.'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Polis 4

In 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to Galaxy' it describes opinions and beliefs as, "Personal feelings that are favourable towards somtething or non-favourable towards something. The favour or dis-favour seem to differ from person to person, especially in the case of the question 'Which Pizza Topping is the best?'"

Of course pizza and pizza toppings are nothing compared to all the bickering and arguing that goes on throughout the Galaxy. With personal freedom of speech and freedom of the press and freedom of worship all rather universal you need to realise that eventually somebody is going to call you stupid for some reason or another. Most of the galaxy enjoys this personal freedom even with the problems it causes. One of the main problems with beliefs and opinions is that they can lead to people blaming each other for their problems. Nobody likes the idea of them being wrong and so its not enough to believe in something anymore. You now have to prove it if you want to be vidicated.

For example, Grandos Graul of the Praxais Traunum nebula suggested that the answers to all of the problems in the universe could be discovered if you solved the two forever long standing questions of philosophy. These were 'If a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound?' and 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?' The galactic board of scholars funded his research into both problems for years until Grandos finally solved both answers to these questions. Two seconds later the Praxais Traunum nebula imploded and took the two answers to these questions with it. Apparently by definitively and without a shadow of a doubt solving these two problems, Grandos had removed all purpose of his existance and turned into a blackhole that only dissapated when the nebula had been swallowed up.

To this day no one has tried duplicating Grandos' work and therefore everyone still acts like total jerks towards each other.

Its not entirely their fault of course, some people have put the blame on all of this ridiculous bickering on the media. If there ever was a place where you'd find more people contradicting, criticising, squabbling and acting like complete asses towards each other the media would be the best place to look. The blame does not rest on one side of the media spectrum entirely. In fact no matter who you listen to, be they a pompous right-winged wind bag with no personality or a self-righteous left-wing tree hugger who doesn't realise he's irrelevent they are all to blame. Even the ones with the best intentions seem to always want to force their opinions on other by claiming their way is right and there is no compromising it.

The few select indivduals who are niether right of left of the political spectrum never have a chance to speak out and when they do barely anyone sees their line of reasoning.

For instance, during an unending 200 year civil war on the planet Frontonia a lone individual stood in the middle of no man's land and asked the offending sides 'why exactly they were even fighting?' and 'why they couldn't just be all nice to each other for a change?' His questions caused great confusion and the two sides of the conflict put aside their differences for the time being so they could pummel him into the earth before continuing their battle.

Eventually the inhabitants became slightly more intelligent and realised they were being idiots and stopped the war at last. Its been the only known case in the galaxy where the two sides in a conflict recognized they were fighting for no real reason at all and just up and stopped the war.

Other planets have not been so lucky and, like the one Blackfire is travelling to now in her stolen Ralphaysian fighter craft, are still locked in a bitter war for control of the planet. Which brings us of course to Polis 4, which is the planet we were just talking about a sentence ago, where Blackfire, who we were also talking about a sentence ago, is about to land.

"I suppose I should ask the book about this planet before I start going around talking to people." Blackfire thought as the ship began to land "Its been helpful so far and all."

Blackfire was about to reopen the book and see whatever information it contained on Polis 4, but she decided against it when she saw what she was landing nearby. In a small clearing of tree there was a huge sound stage and a mass of people surrounding it. Tents were pitched on either side of the crowd and a huge cloud of smoke was billowing up from the mass of people as well. Along with that Blackfire could see a large wooden wicker statue behind the stage as well as a large Peace sign banner hanging over the stage itself. Even from here she could here the music being played, the exact same music that was played on her ship's communication systems.

"Oh great." Blackfire said snapping the book shut "Nevermind I've landed on a hippie planet. These guys are harmless...or at least mostly harmless."

Disheartened by the fact she was now on a hippie planet Blackfire landed her ship in the clearing just outside the large mass of people and got out. She was not scared of the hippies at all really. She just knew what she was going to have to go through. Her expierence with hippies on her own planet of Tamaran returned to her mind. Stupid boring protestors challenging her right to rule and demanding the her sister take up the throne instead.

At first it was fun firing gas at them. Then it donned on her after about 10 protests that it was one of the many things that made being a dictator rather annoying. The other two things she found annoying were trying to keep people from figuring out that the invasion fleet was a hoax and making sure her orating skills were good enough to keep her fellow Tamaranians on her side. Nevertheless, Blackfire dreaded talking to these hippies. Walking up to the edge of the crowd she attempted to get one's attention.

"Excuse me sir," she began "I was wondering if you could give me directions to..."

The man turned around to reveal his rather large forehead covered in long hair and a messy unkept beard. He also wore a what appeared to be some kind of torn military jacket and in one held a smoking cigarette with a questionable odour eminatting from it.

"Directions?" He said rather surprised "You don't need directions man. Not on the road of life. You just go with the flow of cosmos and it will take you to where you truly wish to be."

"Yeah," Blackfire said unconvinced "thats nice. So are you going to give me directions to Earth or not?"

The alien's eyes grew wide and at this statement.

"Whoa dude." He said "You wanna vist Earth? Righteous. That place is like totally groovy."

"Yes I know." Blackfire admitted non-chalantly "I just need directions to get there is all. Can you help?"

"Oh sorry man." The hippie said. "We don't know where it is."

"If you don't know where it is how do you know about it?" Blackfire asked rather annoyed

"We get like radio and TV signals from Earth dude." He explained "Its like totally opened our horizons man. We've completely tuned in, turned on and dropped out."

Blackfire only rolled her eyes at this.

"Whatever," she said "can you please tell me where I can find a person who knows where Earth is?"

"You'd need to get to a radio station to figure that out man." He told her as he took a puff of his cigarette. "Hey you want some ginger?"

"Ginger?" Blackfire said confised

"Yeah, we don't got any Earthling drugs here." He said "But we found that ginger is like a natural drug for us here on Polis 4. Its like the best gateway drug ever man."

"Not interested." She said pushing the smoking ginger cigarette away "I just want to find Earth."

"Hey you can do that later." He told her "How about we go over to my tent and do express ourselves to the sexual extreme."

Blackfire threw up in her mouth a bit at this remark.

"Sorry, but hairy unkempt hippies aren't my type." she explained

Suddenly the alien's eyes grew even wider. He began to turn his head from side to side wildly with a look of child like wonderment on his face.

"Whoa!" He said "Everything's so colorful and vibrant!"

"I bet they are." Blackfire commented knowing what was going on

The hippie had just noticed his hand

"Whoa dude!" He said "My hands are huge!"

Blackfire poked the hippie in the chest and he fell onto his back, unaware of what had just happened.

"Stoner." Blackfire commented as she walked into the crowd of people.

Blackfire moved her way through the crowd, the area was thick with smoke and hippie music blasting in her ears. She tried to fly out of the crowd but was unable to due to the amount of ginger smoke in the air. It didn't apparently work its hypnotic spell on her senses because she was a different species Eventually she made her way to the stage, although it took her several hours of pushing and shoving through the mass crowd. When she did reach it and a guy tunic like cloak with a headband over his head stood before the crowd.

"Brothers and sisters," he said with a large smile on his face "it is good to see you all made it out today to our 30th annual mega-hippie-o-thon which has at this point lasted over 27 weeks longer then our last one!"

A large mass of cheers and clapping came from the crowd as Blackfire looked on. The man continued to speak.

"This year though we're about to finally spread our message of peace and love to the rest of planet."

Another cheer went up from the crowd.

"What does he mean rest of the planet?" Blackfire thought "Isn't this entire place inhabited by hippies?"

The head hippie alien continued his speech

"For too long, the corporations have bleed this world of its love and valuable resources and now its time to strike back with our greatest weapon, ginger! And lots of it!"

The crowd roared with cheers and hooting and loud clapping. Blackfire only stood rather dumbfounded.

"Huh?" She said "What does he mean ginger is their greatest weapon? all it does is make these idiots stoned."

"In a few short hours," The hippie alien leader continued "our mega ginger missile will lauch at the western side of the planet and turn this world into one big happy commune for all!"

Yet another collective cheering fest popped up from behind Blackfire.

"They cannot be serious." Blackfire said even more dumbfounded then ever "They're going to stone the entire planet? That's just stupid!"

"Operation: Atom Bong will begin after the burning of the wicker man tonight." the leader said "But for now lets continue to defy the other planetary corporations who bleed their worlds' dry and surpress dissent by rocking out, taking drugs and having wild sex! Kick it boys!"

The band started up again and the music returned. Blackfire didn't care though. If they wanted to drug their stupid little planet fine, but she certainly wasn't going to stay here while they did it. Climbing her way up onto the stage she took over the microphone from its stand.

"Excuse me." She said not getting much attention at first. She yelled louder "Excuse me!"

Suddenly everyone stopped swaying to the music as they looked at Blackfire on stage, the band stopped as well when they heard Blackfire. The whole thing was a little nerve racking with everyone staring at her.

"Hey," Blackfire said nervously "uh, listen. I don't mean to intrude or anything, but I need to get to a radio or tv station so I can find Earth. Can anyone tell me where the nearest one is?"

The hippie leader returned to the stage.

"Well we could, but why would you want to leave?" he asked her "This planet is about to become the center of peace and love for the entire universe."

"Good for you." She told him "But thats just not my style. So if you could kindly tell me where I can find a radio station to-"

"Not your style?!" The leader said astonished "Dude are you trippin' or something?"

"No!" She told him "You're the ones who are all trippin. I mean seriously, your plan for global conquest is to drop a giant bomb filled with drugs on the other side of the planet. What kind of lame takeover the world scheme is that? And what the hell is with this commune stuff anyway?"

"Well," The leader began to explain "Its like a, you know, place where people, like, just help each other and, like, live together and exchange each other's services for their services."

"Sounds like a city or a town to me." said Blackfire, unconvinced of their world view.

"Hey don't harsh on us man." The leader said "We're trying to change the world and stop the evil corporations from rapping the galaxy for money."

"How?" Blackfire asked "By smoking ginger, having sex and listening to music?"

The whole audience just looked at Blackfire and for a grand total of ten seconds there was complete and utter dead silence. Then the hippie leader took the microphone away from Blackfire and put it to his mouth.

"I think our friend here needs more ginger, huh guys?"

The whole crowd laughed insanely at this and in doing so completely infuriated Blackfire. As the band continued playing blackfire stood off in a corner and grumbled to herself.

"I hate hippies." she said to herself.

Suddenly there was a loud blarring sound over everyone and the music and laughter was replaced by what apparently were the sounds of reving hover engine blades approaching ever closer.

"Raid!" The leader shouted "Its 'The Man' man! Run for your lives!"

Blackfire was confused, what was going on. Suddenly, she got her answer as several large black hover-choppers appeared over the hill.

"Surrender or die!" The booming voice from the choppers said "Put down your drugs and step away from your drums and guitars or you will be fired upon!"

"Screw you ya fascist pigs!" Said one of the hippies throwing a peace smybol protest sign at the hover choppers.

"We've been attacked with a protest sign!" The lead hover chopper said "Fire at will!"

The hover choppers began to fire on the crowd bullets whizzed through the sky and hit the mass of hippies they began the disperse as the choppers dropped off ground troopers that stormed the field.

"I'm out of here man!" The lead hippie said "Quick! To love bus dude!"

The band on stage and the hippie leader ran into a hovering vehicle that looked like a minibus, minus the wheels. It began to drive away but one of the black hover choppers locked onto it and fired a missle. The hover mini-buc exploded and sent a plume of flame into the air.

"Smoke on that ya stupid hippies." The pilot said over the mega phone.

Blackfire had not moved in all the confusion. Feeling no need to help the hippies and not understanding what was going on she was soon surrounded by the black suited, gas masked soldiers all pointing stun rifles at her.

"Oh boy." She said putting her hands up "Uh, I don't suppose you could give me directions to the nearest radio station huh?"

The soldier with the captain's symbol on his helmet motioned to the man next to him.

"Are you friend or foe?" The soldier asked

"What do you mean friend or foe?" She asked

"Answer me friend or foe? The soldier reiterated

"Well that depends really," Blackfire told him "some people I like others not so much."

"Just answer friend or foe!?!" He ordered once more

"Well at the moment you're all hassiling me with your big dangerous laser guns and talking to in a rude voice."

"Answer!" The impatient soldier told her "Friend or Foe!?! Answer or I will fire!"

"Well that settles it," She said "we're not going to be friends."

"Good enough" The captain said "Escort this prison to the chopper soldier."

"Prisoner?" Blackfire said defiently "Look theres been a grave misunderstanding. I'm not-"

"Silence hippie!" The captain ordered "You're coming with us. High command is gonna wanna talk to you."

If Blackfire had bothered to check the guide for information on Polis 4 she would have discovered that it was not at all inhabited entirely by hippies. They only covered half the planet, the other half was ruled by a society of right-wing militaristic corporate bullies who, unlike the hippies were far more mistrusting and far more dangerous. They weren't evil as one of the hippie Polisitians would describe them as, but they simply had a different view on how things should be goverened.

The reason that one side of the planet is entirely right-wing and the other left-wing has to do with the perspective media shown on each side and where they get it from. Earth scientists have theorized that TV and radio signals aren't so easily confined to our solar system. The broadcast wave that we hear on earth could, in theory, exit our atmosphere, travel thousands of lightyears out and few decades later play on the television or radio of another alien planet. This theory is correct for at least one planet in the Galaxy, Polis 4. This however wasn't always the case.

A thousand years ago the Polisitians were a cooperative peaceful race that had advanced technology beyond all their years. So far everyone had pretty much gotten along because there wasn't anything to argue about in particular. Diesease was non-existant, their was no crime, no poverty, everyone from young to old was treated with dignity and respect and the profession of lawyer had been outlawed.

Best of all, TV and Radio only played quality programing that offended no one and was perfectly suited for all ages. Therefore it was boring and no one ever listened or watched it. Until around Earth's invention of the radio. It took about 10 years for the broadcast waves to reach Polis 4, but when they did the inhabitants finally had something interesting to listen to on their radio boxes.

Apparently, Polis 4's technology was so advanced that their transciever waves were able to pick up broadcast waves far quicker then any other planet. When TV was invented on Earth the same thing happened with TV on Polis 4. Eventually Polis 4 further advanced their transcievers so they could listen to radio and watch TV from Earth without being 10 years out of the loop.

Unfortunately they managed to do this around the time the Sixties were in full bloom and immedietly new ideas such as 'Sex drugs and Rock n' Roll' were introduced. Many people didn't take light to this development and tried to block the signals that came from Earth's underground radio stations and keep the programing they saw in the fifties by removing the advanced technology from their transcievers so they could listen to wholesome things again.

This led to a severe culture gap beyond anything in known Galaxy and caused the planet to be split down the middle. On one side were left wingers, the other right wingers. Over the years both sides worked out the math to successfully block all programming from Earth they deemed as bad for society. By consequence one side of the planet only plays Radio republican blowhards while the other side will only ever pick up Radio shock jocks who are obviously more funny.

Now the east side of Polis 4 is filled with Hippies and punkers while the other side is filled with rich fat cats, rednecks and military hardasses. The two sides have been locked in a bitter civil war ever since the split with both attempting to convert the other to their way of thinking through force.

And now Blackfire finds herself in West Polis 4 travelling to the capital city of that region. There she will be accussed of being a hippie and held as a hostage till East Polis 4 meets their demands or she meets their demands. Needless to say, Blackfire is so far loathing this planet with the fury of a thousand suns.

"I loathe this planet with the fury of a thousand suns!" Blackfire yells as she the hover chopper holding her captive travels through the city highrises.

"Zip it Hippie." The pilot said "As of now you have absolutely no rights, everything you say will be used against you in the court of law and you will not be supplied an attorney and be questioned at our leisure."

"I don't care!" She told him "I'm not even a citizen of this crappy little planet! I'm from Tamaran!"

"Yeah, tell it to the judge." The pilot scoffed

"For the love of X'aul!" Blackfire shouted in anger "I don't even look like you! I'm friggin' orange god damnit!"

"Pigmentation enhancements." The pilot said "You probably mutated yourself to try and not look like one of us. Lots of hippies do it."

Blackfire soon realised that her attempts at reasoning with this person were fruitless. Peering out the small window she was given she saw the thousands of smokestack factories and huge skyscrapers surrounding her. The air was thick with smog, just as bad as the ginger smoke Blackfire had encountered before. The city looked like an industrial wasteland.

"Is the eastside of the planet all like this?" Blackfire asked

"We have a suburb to the south." The pilot told her "Yep, 500 square miles of similar houses with white pickets fences and absolutely no personality. Sure its hard to tell which one is yours, but we manage."

The hover-chopper arrived at a large circular white building. Blackfire was led out of the chopper in shackles and through the big revolving doors. She was led to the center of a large spotlight on the floor of an otherwise dark room. In front of her several bussiness clad suit wearing Polistians, the one in the center had a huge gavel.

"The case of West Polis 4 VS this nameless hippie from East Polis 4 shall now begin." The alien with the gavel said slamming his mini wooden hammer down.

"Okay first of all," Blackfire began to explain once more "I'm not from here! I'm from Tamaran! I just stopped here to get directions to Earth and I stumbled into that hippie concert when your goons grabbed me."

The head alien was not convinced at her story.

"You expect me to believe such nonsense?" he said "If you've just arrived on Polis 4 where is your spaceship."

"On the Eastern side of your stupid planet." Blackfire told him "If you want we can go there and I can show you it."

"Well isn't that convienet." The head alien said "Your ship is on the east side of the planet. The side that is compeltely controlled by the left-winged communists that have plagued our world for so long." Slamming his fists down hard on the table he looked straight at Blackfire and yelled "How stupid do you think I am!?!"

"Considering you guys actually think I live here," Blackfire said "pretty stupid."

The alien fumed and banged his gavel down hard several times

"Speak out of term again and I will sentence you to 40 years of slaverly in the cotton mines." He warned.

Blackfire was hating this planet more and more. She just wanted directions and now she was being held on trial. Between the hippies and these right-winged hard asses, she was beginning to think the entire planet was amde up of retards. She needed a way out and fast.

"Okay then," she said "what are the charges against me?"

The head alien grunted

"Very well then." he said "You at least deserve to know what you're going to be sentenced for."

One of the same soldier that captured Blackfire approached the light and held out a large scroll.

"Nameless Hippie," he began "you stand accused of taking drugs, playing music and having unprotected sex. You are also charged with conspiracy to commit terrorist activities by firing a WMI at our city."

"WMI?" Blackfire asked confused

"Weapon of Mass Intoxication." The soldier answered

"We've been fighting a war in Eastern Polis 4 looking for that WMI." The head alien explained "So far we've found nothing, but we know its there...somewhere...they're hiding it very well...cause we got no idea where it is."

"We've already lost thousands of men looking for it." The soldier explained "The people are starting to get ticked off and we can't keep the war effort up with how low we've made taxes. We don't even have any other government programs to cut to fuel the war effort."

"How hard is it to fight a war against hippies?" Blackfire asked

"Not hard." The head alien explained "Its just the story we've come up with to sell the papers. If they think the war is going badly then it will sell more papers and ratings will go through the roof. Then we can pull it all out of the fire with an awesome Hollywood blockbusting finale where we save the world from near destruction by blowing up a missile of world devastating proportions."

"Unfortunately," the soldier added "we can't find the hippies' damn atomic bong. Our intelligence states that they're going to fire it and stone us all."

"We outlawed medicinal Ginger years ago!" The head Alien said waving his arms "You know how disasterous it would be if they actually launched that thing?"

"Your entire population would be trippin' balls." Blackfire answered

"That's right!" He said "Before long they'll ask us to legalise drugs. Next they'll want us to legalise freedom of religion, alcohol, the right to bear arms, voting for the common citizen who isn't in the military, hell even gay marriage before too long!"

"We can't possibly defend democracy and freedom for ourselves if the normal everyday citizen has too much of it for themselves?" The soldier asked

"Thats why we'll offer you two options." The head alien told Blackfire "One, you tell us where we can find that damn WMI and blow it up so we can end this war once and for all. Or two, we find you guilty of terrorism and use you as a scapegoat to blame all of our planet's problems on. Like Micheal Savage does with Mexicans on Earth."

Blackfire perched an eyebrow at their options. On one hand she could try and lead these hard-ass corporate jerks to a missile which she had no idea where to find cause she didn't know its whereabouts either. Or she could allow herself to be used as a government scapegoat so these idiots could escape their problems.

"They both sound like promising options." Blackfire said sarcastically "Still, why are you even fighting these stupid hippies? I mean, they're idiots! They can't possibly change anything with the way they're conducting things. They're just as selfish and self-absorbed as you are."

"Nonsense!" The head alien told her "We have a monopoly on that bussiness. Hell we have a monopoly on all bussinesses."

"Aren't you only proving them right by acting exactly how they think you guys act?" Blackfire questioned further.

The head alien only shrugged at he question

"We're only doing what Rush, Savage and Fox News Channel is telling us to do." He told her

"We're just taking it further then most of them dare to go." The soldier added

"So are you going to help us find that atomic bong or not?" The head alien questioned

What choice did Blackfire have, even if she did agree to help find the bomb she didn't know where it was and considering how these guys were she'd probably just end up a government scapegoat when she found nothing. She was screwed, she was just about ready to capitulate and choose one of her no win situations when a sudden explosion rocked the front door. The whole room turned around and they saw the tunic wearing Hippie that was supposedly blown up in the hover mini-bus walked through the smoking wall with a rocket launcher.

"Time to start the revolution you Fascist pigs!" He shouted as he fired another round at the ceiling.

"I thought you died!" Blackfire said astonished

"Extra padding in the air bags man." He said "Made with pure ginger!"

Firing another round at the large table of corporate aliens several soldiers came out of nowhere and started firing at the hippie leader. He took several shoots before collapsing on the ground dead. In confusion however Blackfire had broken out of her bonds and flew through the hole in roof that the rocket made. Now flying through the city she looked for the nearest satelite dish she could find hoping that perhaps she could lock onto the coordinates of Earth from there.

As she flew, a large group of black hover-choppers appeared from nowhwere. Firing her eye bolts at them the choppers exploded on by one and crashed into nearby buildings causing tons of property damage and perhaps several angry confrontations between already pissed off workers. However Blackfire still found herself being pursued.

"Don't these guys give up?" She asked as several soldiers with jet packs chased after her "I need a way to get them off my tail."

Blackfire soon eyed something rather promising a large metal smokestack ahead. Blackfire got an idea. She tugged at the shawl around her head.

"Hope this works.

Before we get on with the next bit it is important to understand something about the refugee's most valuable item they own, the ragged shawl. The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy has quite a bit to say about Refugees and their shawls. Beside the fact it keeps them warm and rather snug it can also be used as important delaying or attack tactic.

Used properly the shawl can throw rocks at attackers, smother them to death, blind them tempoarily, allow you to have a picnic lunch, dry yourself off, keep out the mud, make a makeshift pillow or hide from stupid monsters who immedietly lose sight of you if they lose sight of your face. Its been theorized that if any refugee wants his/her life in order they should at least have a shawl to cover their heads with.

However, the Exiled Ruler's Guide wants it to be very clear that a shawl is merely a dirty subsitute for the far more useful towel. The towel can basically do all the same things the shawl can do except better and more efficent then the shawl. This is srange considering a shawl and towel or made up of almost the same material, but scientific studies over several years have confirmed that the towel is more effective none the less.

Blackfire, however, makes do with her shawl she recieved back on Refus 12 without even knowing its full value. Passing a nearby smokestack as she flies by, Blackfire takes off her shawl and waves it in front of the smokestack spreading the smoke in her pursuer's general direction. The pursuers get lost in the smoke and are unable to see where they are going. The bump into each and fall out of the sky and crash into several nearby office building rather painfully. However Blackfire doesn't seem to notice and keeps on flying.

"I guess a dirty shawl can come in handy." She thought as she flew.

Blackfire found a satellite dish eventually, a rather big on located on the top of a high building. Going behind it she found the control box which read a specific coordinates on it.

"If those bozos can listen in on Earth's Programing.," Blackfire said lookign at the controls "Then these must be the coordinates for the planet Earth. All I have to do is copy these down and put them into the ship's computer and travel there."

Not having a pen and paper handy, Blackfire ripped off a piece ometal from a nearby airduct and fired up her starbolt. Runnign it along the surface of the metal piece she carved out the coordinates exactly and tucked the piece of metal away along with the guide inside the satchel. Satisfied with herself she prepared to leave this stupid planet for all its worth.

"Good ridance to a messed up mudball." she said flying away "Let them blow themselves up they're both losers."

Back at the large circular white building the Head corporate Polistian had come to the conclusion that they'd be better off if they just nuked the main capital city of Eastern side of the planet. Taking out a big red button from his pocket he pressed it and large nuclear missile rose out of the ground of the building and launched into the air. This missile had a big white star on it along with the face of Rush Limbaugh smiling.

At the same time, convenently, the hippies on the eastern side launched their atomic bong at the capital city. This missile had several happy smiling flowers adorining it and in large writing the word 'Groovy' printed on its side as well.

And almost coincidentally, and incredibly improbable if we must say so, Blackfire had just launched her ship and was about to leave this dustball for good when she saw the two missiles about to pass by each other.

"Oh great, they're going to kill each other."

With a sigh, she decided she might as well do something. With the firing of one of the missiles inside her pod she hit the atomic bong missile its tail and sent it careening towards the other missile. They hit each other and collapsed onto the border seperating The east from the west. The blast knocked Blackfire several miles out of the atmosphere and into the space and was so powerful it kept her travelling wildly and out of control for several miles. As she spun out of sight Blackfire knelt down to her knees and said

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" And Proceeded to throw up.

Meanwhile Polis 4 split in two right down the center from the result of the blast. The end result being that both the right-wingers of the west and left-wingers of the east had no more reason to bitch about each other cause they were no longer connected. With no one to blame for the other's problems everyone turned on each other.

After several riots and deaths they all finally shut up. They decided to settle their problems once and for all by talking things out and coming to compromises with one another, instead of forcing things upon each other. A year later they would tape the two halves of the planet together, blame the media for all the problems that had caused everything and became an Agrarian society. Essentially they really learned nothing about compromising or problem solving and Polis 4 is still F'ed up in the A so to speak.

But in the meantime thousands of lightyears away, Blackfire's ship has entered the atomsphere and crash landed on a foreign planet. Before anyone asks, yes, that is how powerful an atomic bomb and atomic bong explosion can send you. So not try and test this for real, you'll only end up killing yourself. As Blackfire wakes up from her crash she finds herself on a planet filled with exotic wildlife everywhere, compeltely undisturbed by anyone or anything.

"Wow." Blackfire said in awe "For once I've landed somewhere nice."

Suddenly the setting changed within a flash and Blackfire was now in the missile of a furturistic metropolis with flying cars and floating billboards in the sky. Before she could even contemplate this fact there was another flash and Blackfire now found herself in a small village of wooden huts and carts, with another flash Blackfire was ina frozen wasteland and within another she was transported back to the Tropical paradise she had landed in previously.

"Oooooooooookaaaaaayyy." Blackfire said confused "That was messed up beyond imagination."

Suddenly she had a strange sensation come over her. like something was sticking out her reaer end. Turning around she saw what it was...a tail.

"Oh what the hell!?!" Blackfire screamed aloud. Looking at her hands, which were now paws, and feeling her face that was now furry, Blackfire couldn't help but think of the most logical way to explain this. "Did I snuff in any of that atomic bong?"

Is Blackfire stoned at this moment? Or is there something about this planet that is totally messed up, so much so she doesn't need drugs? And if either is true why does she bloody well have a tail? And how will she possibly get to Earth now that her fighter craft has crashed on a planet that apparently has some kind of identity crisis? For the possible answers to these questions, or perhaps just more more questions derived from those answers, stay tuned for the next chapter of "The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Evolt Tion

Since the dawn of civilization, every dominate lifeform on every planet has struggled with the question of how the universe began. Unfortunately, because whoever created the Universe didn't bother to leave a calling card or at least some blueprints we have no idea how it all began. So each Civilization just made something up that they thought sounded pretty cool. The creators of 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' decided that if anyone was going to be traveling around the Galaxy looking for a new home they would first need to know what their new home's inhabitants believed in, starting with the creation of the universe and life itself.

The Guide has 150 pages dedicated to the subject alone, listing every known Creation story in the known Galaxy. On the last page, it lists all the creation stories in a ranking system based on the findings of the Galactic Scientific Scholars Board who studied every single Creation story themselves. It took over two centuries to come up with the findings, but in the end they reached the conclusion that the only feasible scientific theory that existed was Darwin's Theory of Evolution. In the Number two spot was Grobolb Flieck's Theory of Evolution, which was like Darwin's theory except it stated that life evolved because every Animal in the Galaxy wanted to one up another, much like people do when they show off their new rocket car and you immedietly become jealous of them and decide to get a better one.

3rd place went to the Norse's theory of the beginning of life. Not because it was scientifically sound, but because the idea that a planet could be made out of the blood and flesh of an Ice Giant sounded pretty damn cool.

From the 3rd position on there are only un-factual and rather improvable theories of creation that are mostly based on Faith and religion alone. The lowest ranked theories included the Ralphaysian's belief that the universe was drawn by God with a giant pencil and Earth's theory of Intelligent Design.

The Pencil theory was busted when the Board tried to find where this pencil was located. According to the Ralphaysians they actually had the pencil with them, but they just didn't want to show it to anyone. After 20 years of signing papers with the Intergalactic Bureaucracy they finally got a warrant to search the Ralphaysian homeplanet to find the pencil. The Ralphaysians, not wanting to cause a fuss, led them to large pencil inside a temple.

The board called it a fake, because not only was the pencil obviously crudely cut down trees made to look like one big pencil, (the big give away was a branch sticking out of it) but the board believed that if God had drawn the universe into existance there would at least be some rather large sharpening leftovers and eraser shavings all over the place, or at most a large sharpener.

The Intelligent Design theory was also seen as unscientifically sound because of several reasons, besides the Dinosaur fossils, the archelogical evidence, the genetic and biological evidence and the fact that humans looked like a bunch of stupid hairy monkeys anyway, the board also believed that god creating the first female through the use of a spare rib was rather hack writing and not very well planned out. Not only did the human female not look anything like a rib, but the idea that God could've gotten it out of Adam without killing him was beyond them due to the fact medical science was non-existant back then.

Also, the animal known as the earth occupying chicken was so mind-bongling useless as anything other then a food source that it could only mean God was either playing a cruel joke on the poor creature or he pretty much decided that the poor thing should outright suffer for all time. Since God is described to be niether so mean or so sadistic it debunked the intelligent design theory right then and there for the Board.

When the creationists of Earth started trying to desperately prove their theory was correct through dubious methods, the Board labeled the Creationists of Earth 'Retarded' for compeltely forgeting the most important fact about Religion was faith and if they proved Intelligent Design through facts it was only going to kill God.

The third worst ranked theory of creation however comes from the planet of Evolt Tion which has been called "A Planet in Denial." The reason why its called that is about to be discovered by Blackfire, who has apparently been turned into a cat like creature shortly after her crash landing on the planet just a few minutes before.

"This cannot be happening." Blackfire mused taken aback by her new looks "This really cannot be happening."

Suddenly a sound appeared from nowhere

"Meow."

Slapping her hands over her mouth as soon as she heard the sound it was immedietley apparent that it was she who had meowed. Blackfire slowly brought them away from it

"Did I just meow?" She asked herself. she recieved her answer in another Meow that originated from her mouth and forced her to put her hands over it again.

"I am so confused." She cried not understanding at all the situation of what was going on.

Getting up from the ground Blackfire began to walk through the dense jungle. Her ship destroyed in the crash she knew she would have to find someone to give her a ride of some kind off this planet. She was hoping she'd find that metropolis she saw again or at least the village she happened upon.

An hour later though she had basically happened upon nothing and it was getting rather tedious for her. She was a now cat-like creature on jungle planet with no civilized lifeform in the area and she was beginning to work up an appetite for a mice. This was not at all a pleseant thought. She wanted to ask the guide about the planet she was on, but because she did not know its name was Evolt Tion she could not ask.

"I might as well give up." She said "I'm going to be stuck on this planet forever. Not that it matters, like I'd actually want to go to Earth now. I look like a giant house-hold pet!"

Shaking her fists in anger she punched a nearby tree sending many of the nesting birds above scattering in all directions.

"Why do you hate me!?!" She yelled at the heavens, knowing she would never recieve an answer. "Ever since I got kicked out Tamaran things have gone from bad to worse! Wasn't being banished enough for you?!?"

As she kicked a nearby stone and plopped down on the ground she decided to resign to the fact that she was going to be stuck as a Cat for the rest of her natural life. Or she would've become resigned to it had the jungle around not suddenly changed in a flash and she found herself in the middle of the street. The tall trees now replaced with sky scrapers and the ground covered with hard steel making up the roads. She also felt less furry and began to feel her face. Skin, no fur at all. She looked behind her and found her tail was now gone.

"I'm..." she said astonished "I'm back to normal! Finally something goes right!"

At this moment Blackfire began to feel something chaffe in her throat and after a few seconds of coaxing it, she cough up a furball. Blackfire didn't even remember licking herself. throwing the fur to the side she walked out of the street and further into the the city. It was rather big, but there weren't many people around her.

Eventually however she spotted someone. A plump little creature with skinny arms and legs as well as clylindrical head attached to his body by elongated neck. He was wearing some kind of silver short no sleeved vest on his body.

"Finally someone to talk to!" Blackfire said rushing over to the Alien and calling to him "Excuse me!"

The Alien turned to see her and was apparently surprised at her appearance.

"What the-? Why aren't you wearing a time vest?" He asked

Blackfire was once again confused, as she was with the rest of this planet.

"My what?" She asked

"No time!" He said, chuckling a little at his words for some reason "We need to get one fast."

He grabbed her by the hand and ran over to a nearby building. Dragging her inside, Blackfire believed he had taken her to a clothing boutique. Except everything was the same article of clothing, a silver no sleeved vest not unlike the one that this alien wore. The alien was quick to Take one of the vests off the wall and passed it to Blackfire.

"Put it on." He ordered

"Why?" she asked

"Just put it on!" He said again

Blackfire did as she was told and slid her arm through the vest and snapped it closed. There was sudden powering up sound as she slid the clothes on. The alien now seemed relieved.

"Thank god we got that on you." he said

There was a sudden flash and the landscape changed once more, this time to a barren desert plain with a few run down animal skin huts surrounding them.

"Just in time too." He said "We could've turned back into Neanderthals again."

"What are you talking about?" She demanded "Where the hell did the city go?"

"We're back before it existed." The alien told her "Didn't the tourist agency tell you about that when you decided to visit Evolt Tion?"

"Evolt Tion?" Blackfire said "So thats where I am."

"Well of course its where you are." The plump little alien said "You paid to get here didn't you?"

"No," Blackfire explained "my ship crash landed on this planet and got turned into a cat for an hour for some reason. Now could you please tell me where the city went? And for that matter where did the jungle go before? Why does the landscape keep changing?"

The alien shook his head.

"Great, an uniformed tourist." He said exassperated

"Well sorry mister, but I didn't exactly want to come hare anyway." Blackfire said putting her hands to her hips "I've been trying to get to Earth."

"Well you're a long way off from there lady." The alien told her

"No duh," Blackfire responded "and since my ship's broken I need a new one. Know where I can get a lift out of here?"

"I guess." The alien sighed "Follow me then. It'll take awhile to find it and this time period doesn't have cars. We may get lucky and it will change in the next few hours though."

Time periods? Changes? What was this guy blabbering on about?

"Look can you at least explain to me whats up with this planet?" She asked as they walked.

"I suppose you should know." He said "You're on Evolt Tion, a nice little planet that has a bit of time problem, mainly we keep skipping years back and forth now and again. My name's Fletch by the way."

"Blackfire, nice to meet you." She responded "You're pretty much the most reasonable person I've meet so far travelling this part of the Galaxy."

"And yet you've wound up on a very messed up planet." Fletch responded "Ironic really."

Blackfire at least figured out out partially what was going on.

"So stop me if I'm getting this wrong so far." She trold Fletch "I'm on a planet that timeskips periodically and unpredictably. Therefore, one second I'm in a prehistoric jungle the next I'm in a futuristic metropolis."

"Correct." Flecth answered "It isn't that hard to understand really once its properly explained."

"So why is this place like that?" Blackfire asked

"Because Evolt Tion is unfortunately trapped in a large mass of spacial chronitons." Fletch explained "Our entire planet is bombarded by them every day. When they hit us we either go forward or backwards in time. Because of that our civilization advances and degrades to quickly to truly prosper on its own. So we basically just pay people to come see the possible past or future of their own planets through ours. Right now, we're in the Iron Era. Its when my species were almost whiped out by a giant meteor shower, but they managed to survive by becoming barbaric idiots."

"Must be tough living off tourist money." Blackfire said

"It pays the bills." Fletch answered

"So what about these vests?" Blackfire asked tugging at hers

"Technology that took us years to properly refine because the skips hindered our progress." Fletch explained "When we hit any major breakthough the timeskips reversed all the hard work we done making it non-existant. Then we got lucky. We harvested some of the chronitons at one of the times when we got a full two years of extremely advanced technology. It allowed us to gather chronitions from space using the a space station that we had suddenly developed because of the skip itself and we used them to create these time vests. They keep us from feeling the effects of the skips so we do not revert to our primative states or evolve faster then we can handle."

"So that's why I turned into a cat for an hour." Blackfire said slapping her forehead "The Tamaranian people evolved from Cat like creatures! Why didn't I see it sooner?"

"Well you crash landed on an unknown planet," Fletch told her "If something like that happened to me I'd be pretty confused to."

"Do a lot of people get freaked out if they come without knowing everything about this place?" Blackfire asked

"Actually yes," he said "there was one guy in this big spaceship who kept excusing himself for what had happened. He said his improbability drive was probably malfunctioning or something. He got blamed as a scapegoat for everything by the elders and was chased around by the military until he finally blasted off. He called our planet 'very un-hip' and then used a big laser gun to tatoo his name onto our planet's equator just to spite us. Now we call our equator the Zaphod Line because of it."

"Well at least I'm not the only traveller having a hard time." said Blackfire, taking some solice in the fact this Zaphod fellow was having as much trouble as she was.

Blackfire nodded and looked around at the barren landscape as they walked.

"So how long until this barren hell desert craphole goes away?" Blackfire asked

"Anywhere from a few seconds to several years." Fletch told "We haven't quite perfected the Time Skip prediction because its so random. Skippermen hardly ever get it right either."

"Skippermen?" Blackfire asked confused at the word

"Our version of Weathermen." Fletch answered "They try to predict when the next major skip is going to occur. Key word 'try' of course."

Blackfire was at least happy that she had found a person that was sane for once. Fletch seemed like her knew what he was talking about. For a plumb, skinny armed pale faced alien with a stretchy neck of course. Hopefully the rest of the planet was as sane as he was.

"Well there's at least one positive about all this time travelling." Blackfire said

"What would that be?" Fletch asked

"Well for one you guys know where you all came from." She said "You know how you started out and what you've ended up as. A lot of people, scientists in particular, would gladly trade their position with yours I'm sure. I mean, since you know what you evolved from nobody can dispute how old this planet is or what you're related to."

Fletch simply pft-ed at her comment.

"Right, I wish." he said "Fact is Evolt Tion's leaders still claim that Evolution is a myth and all of this is a time travelling stuff is a ruse."

Blackfire was beyond words at this, why would anyone after seeing all this dispute the theory of Evolution? The evidence was popping up in their faces every couple of seconds!

"What?" Blackfire said astounded at it all "How the hell can they think that? All the evidence is right in front of them!"

"Yeah," Fletch said "doesn't mean they've got to listen to it though."

Fletch decided to explain everything to Blackfire so she wouldn't be as confused. According to the religious elders, who were also the planet's leaders, the theory of evolution was a fraud and that all the evidence that proved otherwise was easily countered. The counter to it all was that there was an evil Scientist conspiracy running everything, including the planet's crisis concerning the bombarding Chronitons. That was it, all evidence proving them wrong was made up by a conspiracy. Its not a very convincing defense, but since they basically outlawed any attempt to debate the subject no one can change it.

The official creation theory of Evolt Tion says that the world was created by God and his giant cow Bessy. God made fertilizer out of Bessy 'leavings' and rolled it into a ball. Almost immedietly plants sprouted out of the tiny ball and Animals suddenly appeared out of nowhere when god snapped his fingers. The Evolt Tions were created with five toothpicks and two marshmellows. Four Toothpicks were for the arms, one for the nec and the marshmellows made up the head and body. All of this occured within three days and when god was pleased he held a big frat party for all his friends.

It is no wonder this theory ranks among the lowest of the creation stories that the Galactic Scientific Scholars Board studied. It got a few extra points above the Earth's creationist story because, unlike the whole rib thing, Evolt Tions at least looked like five toothpicks sticking together two marshmellows. All of this is very dishearting to Blackfire as she is beginning to find that this Galaxy is run by a bunch of idiots. The sudden change in scenery to a volcanic rocky hell setting also did nothing to calm her nerves over it all. Now that she was in the planet's violent childhood it just made her want to leave this place even more.

"Okay how do I get off this rock then?" She asked Fletch as a nearby volcano spewed out a chunk of purning rock that landed beside a few meters away.

"Well we'll eventually come up to the transport station in a few more miles." Fletch told her "From there we can get you a ride I suppose."

Eventually after walking for several hours and through at least three more skips, the Ice Age, a global war and a dingy slum street which Fletch explained was when the planet went morally bankrupt and slipped into a Great Depression.

"How exactly can you all know your own history if you've been skipping time periods for eons now?" Blackfire asked

"Well it wasn't always like this you know." Fletch told her "Before this Chroniton Crisis we were a pretty normal planet. Then our world's leaders decided to prove once and for all that our planet was the center of the universe beyond a shadow of a doubt using science. Therefore proving our religion was scientifically accurate."

"I thought you said they blamed science for this whole chroniton thing." Blackfire reminded him crossing her arms.

"They do," Fletch explained "but that whole crappy conspiracy theory is really just them trying to blame something else to make everyone forget its their fault."

"So what did they do?" Blackfire asked

"Well," Fletch began "first they fired a rocket with the world's biggest radar sweeper. They said that if we were the center of universe then the scope would easily scan the entire universe in one sweep of the radar. That means every star, planet, nebula and galaxy would be picked up on screen. That is if we were the center of the universe of course."

Blackfire had an idea what had happened at this point

"Oh I get it." Blackfire interuppted "So when they saw they weren't at the center of the universe they blasted themselves with rockets attached to the planet to the center so they could make it right and ended up getting stuck in these Chronitons."

But Fletch shook his head

"Close, but actually we never got to even find out if we were at the center." Fletch told her "Before the radar scope could start up a giant ship blasted out of nowhere and snagged the radar around its tail fin. Since the damn thing was attached by a super long extension cord we got towed a long for the ride. For five whole minutes the planet was totally out of orbit from our sun. When the cord finally gave way we flew through space for another five minutes making us all very sick. We then ended up in this chroniton nebula and have been stuck in it ever since orbiting around a new sun and being bombarded by Chronitons every day."

"How long ago was this?" Blackfire asked

"20 years ago to this day." Fletch answered "And we're still all rather pissed at the government. The first thing they said in an address to the planet after we figured out what had happened was 'He did it!' and they all pointed to a nearby scientist. After we all finished beating him there on the spot though we realised we'd been had when we saw the leaders had slipped out the back stage door. They escaped to the Ivory Tower on the otherside of the planet and haven't been heard from since. Since its so high that its out of the atmosphere they rule the planet by proxy now, it gives us a bit of extra freedom though so I can't complain about it that much."

"Wow," Blackfire said sympathically "your planet sucks."

"Yeah I know." Fletch responded looking up and pointing "But lucky you, you won't have to deal with it much longer. Look there."

Blackfire looked ahead and saw a large structure, as shiny and silver as the vest she and Fletch wore. As they approached the structure Blackfire saw spacecraft arriving and approaching the building and landing behind it.

"Its our spaceport." Fletch told her "Its surrounded by a bubble made of pure chroniton extract and the structure itself is made out of the material used in our vests. That way it never degrades or gets older or even vanishes compeltely from the timeskips. The ships are also made of the same material so they don't cease to exist in mid flight."

Blackfire and fletch entered the spaceport and walked in. It was full of alien travellers, all of whom were either coming or going from this messed up little mudball. Blackfire was happy she soon would be off this hellhole soon enough. But Fletch would unfortunately remain. No doubt growing more ticked off and whiny over the fact his planet was run by idiots and he could never hold down any oother job besides being a tour guide. So as Fletch walked up to the ticketer and asked for a ship that could carry Blackfire off of Evolt Tion, she stepped in.

"Make it a two seater." Blackfire told the ticketer.

Fletch was surprised at this request

"But there's only one of you." He told her "Why would you-"

"Cause I want you to come with me." she told him "We can find you a new home where you can actually have a real lifer and not be stuck on this crap hole forever."

Fletch scratched his head at the thought

"I just can't leave my planet." He said "I've lived here my whole life! Its the place I'm most familar in. Its-"

"A place run by proxy by a bunch of religious rubes and can't stay in one time long enough for anyone to do anything important but make a vest that keeps people from being affected by bombarding chronitons." Blackfire finished for him

Fletch thought what Blackfire had said for a few short seconds, and then came to the conclusion that when someone offers you a ride out of a crappy place like here you take it.

"Lets roll then." Fletch told Blackfire

A few minutes later both Blackfire and Fletch had taken their respective seats in their new minature spaceship they had rented. They would not need to return it to the planet however because like all modern rental services in the Galaxy when their time is up with it the ship will automatically transport back to its real owners. Earth's many vehicle rental places howvere have not yet caught on to this idea proving once more that Earth is rather primative and sad compared to the rest of the galaxy. Taking off from the port the two new friends begin their climb away from the planet.

"About time we got away from there." Blackfire said "I was beginning to go crazy with all those time period changes."

"You and me both." Fletch agreed "So where to now?"

"Well you can come to Earth with me or we can find a nice little moon to live on." Blackfire told him

"Why not another planet?" Fletch asked

"Trust me," she warned him "you do not want to go to another planet."

Indeed Blackfire was beginning to re-evaluate her place in the galaxy. From her time as an Exile she was beginning to think that perhaps she had gotten the whole ruler thing wrong and that it was ultimately her actions that got her thrown out. If she had just been contempt in ruling Tamaran and not trying to trick her sister into marrying a giant sludge beast she could have maintained her power base and from then on lived like royalty for the rest of her days. At least then she'd be one of the government leaders in this galaxy who were actually sane.

Of course the whole train of thought came back to her sister. If she hadn't banished her, then that would mean she still would have been Grand Ruler Empress Blackfire of Tamaran, even though she did invite her and her friends to the planet it still meant her sister had basically tossed her aside and decided to let her rot on some dingy little mudball with stupid whimpy pencil pushers feeding her slop while she sat amongst other outcasts, she could sympathize with them a little more now that she had been among them and seen how crappy the universe really was outside of the places she had once visited.

Perhaps she was not as well travelled or as well knowledgable as she once thought. It made her feel like she wasn't the worse the galaxy had to offer.

Yes, she was glad she had taken this little trip. Now that she was out of the position of power over her own planet she could do whatever she wanted, meaning she wouldn't have to make up rdiiculous laws or start meaningless wars. She was free from those stupid pursuits at last. Now she would have more time for herself instead of worrying about how to keep people subserviant and how to aquire more power.

However it did not mean she had forgiven her sister Starfire for sending her to Refus 12 to rot and she most likely never would. Mostly because its not a type of grudge you give up easily and secondly because some big and rather vicious had bumped into their ship interrupting her train of thought.

"What the heck?!" Blackfire demanded as the ship shook wildly from the hit.

Suddenly a large eyeball passed by the window of the ship. Following that a large mass of fur flew past them and revealed itself to be a large monsterous bird with large crooked beak and elongated neck and tattered wings flapping wildly in the breeze.

"Holy crap!" Fletch said "Its a Megador!"

"A what?!?" Blackfire screamed

"Short for Mega Condor." Fletch explained "Rather scary nast bird we hunted to extinction a very long time ago."

"Well that doesn't look extinct to me!" Blackfire said pointing at the charging bird

"Extinct animals never stay extinct on this planet." Fletch told her "Its what happens when you get bombarded by chronitons all the time."

Taking evasive action Blackfire manuveured away fromt he attacking bird, escaping its lunge by a few inches. She turned the ship around to follow the bird.

"I'll teach you to try eat me you overgrown canary!" Blackfire said defiantly as she primed the ship's missiles.

"Wait!" Fletch said "Don't shoot!"

But it was too late the missiles fired at the bird at full speed, it hit the back of the beast...a suddenly went flying up into the sky, un exploded.

"What the...?" Blackfire said confused

"Did I mention the Megador has the toughest skin of anyknown bird in the Galaxy." said Fletch "The only thing that can take it out is a neutron bomb."

"Well do we have one then?" Blackfire asked

"No, we outlawed them years ago after they killed the birds." Fletch told her

"Well theres still one alive!" Blackfire shouted "Un-outlaw them!"

The bird charged again, this time the ship wasn't quick enough to evade and was knocked on the side of the rear thruster. The bird passed over again and began to dive at the small ship.

"He's coming to finish us off!" Fletch shouted

"There's no time to get out of the way!" said Blackfire in a panic

"Brace for impact!" Fletch screamed

The bird opened its talon and was about to scoop up the ship in them and crush both fletch and Blackfire inside. Then just moments before the bird could finish his dive...there was a flash. blackfire and Fletch opened their eyes.

"What happened?" Blackfire asked "Where's the bird? Why aren't we dead?"

Fletch pointed forwards

"Because our bird friend just devolved into the Condasaurus." he explained

Blackfire look ahead and saw a large dinosaur-like animal hanging mid air. Its head and arms resembled the Megador except it had no feather and rounder head witha smaller beak like appearance. The only feather it had were on the top of its head. It it appeared to be a two legged dinosaur with sharp teeth. and just Blackfire had noticed all of that it began to plummet downward and out of the sky.

"Well that was bizzare." Blackfire commented as she flew the ship out of the atmosphere and away from the planet.

"Lucky us that timeskip happened when it did huh?" Fletch said as they began to leave his planet behind.

"I just felt it was a little anti-climatic is all." said Blackfire rather dissapointed "I mean, if an even bigger flying monster came out of nowhere and ate it, that would've been way cooler."

"Just be glad we're alive." Fletch told her

Blackfire only sighed

"I am." she said "Its just when you're on a intersteller space journey you expect things to be a little more grand when you get to the conclusion of these things."

"Yeah, well unfortunately that kinda stuff doesn't happen in the real world." Fletch told her "So live with it."

"I suppose." Blackfire sighed again "At least we're away from that damn planet."

"Amen to that sister." Fletch responded

It is rather easy to forget at this point a giant dinosaur-like creature was falling at several hundred miles per hour towards the surface of planet Evolt Tion. Meaning that it only had a few short minutes to go through the five stages of grief before its eventual demise. This is what the Condasaurus thought as it plummeted.

"Oh boy. This is definetly not good. Definetly not good. Its gonna hurt really, really, really bad when I hit the ground. Oh please, what am I saying! Its no big deal! I'm not even that high up! Chances are I'm gonna land in big pile of soft leaves and survive. Yeah I'm gonna look back on this day and laugh and laugh. He, he."

1 second later

"OH THIS IS BULLS--T, MOTHER F--KING BULLSHIT! Stupid planet! Stupid Air! Stupid ship that shot at me! Stupid random changing into this thing while I'm in the air! This is a bunch of total bulls--t! F----------K!

Another second later

"Okay look, just change me back into a giant bird. Okay? Please! I promise that I won't kill anymore innocent animals if I make it out of this falling plummet of death alive. Just change me back into a bird. Please. If you change me back I'll be your best friend!

Another second latger

"WAAAH! WAHHHAHA! WAAAAAAHHHA!WHYYYYYY!?! ITS NOT FAIR! WAHA WAH WAAAAAH! WHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!?

Another scond later

"You know what, I'm cool. I fine with this. I can manage. Hey I bet heaven has an awesome buffet up there. Its probably loaded with meat! And really, did I ever actually like this planet? Tell me? Did I ever? No! I'm fine! I'm going to be okay! I had a good run! Now its done! Might as well just move on with my whole damn life and get it over with. Less painful that way. Oh look theres the ground! Hello ground! I'm ready to recieve your sweet release of death!"

Just two seconds before the Condasaurus hit the ground however the planet timeskipped once more to a period where the place he was landing in was a pillow factory and the Condasaurus was no longer a condasaurus, but intstead no longer existed. This interrupted his fall and when the next timeskip changed the landscape into a period where more then half the planet was covered in water he reappeared as a lizard-like fish that hadn't even evolved legs yet. Because his fall was interrupted it was as if all the momentum he had built was no gone.

So the Condasaurus, who was no no longer a condasaurus, survived another day. Ironically, if his species had not been hunted to extinction he would've survived easily by falling on the pillows and not having to deal with this whole messy ridiculous explanation to how his five stages of grief didn't matter cause he had survived anyway.

Also, like the Condasaurus, it is easy to forget about the missile that had been fired at him before when he was still a Megador and had been deflected up further into the sky. That missile was now flying into space at several thousand miles an hour. Just seconds before it hit a large pile of Chronitons the only thing that went through its mind was...

"Oh no not again."

Many have theorized that if we knew why the missile thought this, we'd understand a great more about ourselves and our place in the universe. Others, just think its a ridiculous notion because missiles don't have thoughts. All of this, however, is totally unknown by Fletch and Blackfire as they fly away from Evolt Tion and towards a fuel station/diner on a nearby moon to get repairs and a well deserved meal before heading off to Earth.

"Hopefully nothing messed up will happen when we arrive." Blackfire said regarding the diner "But knowing my luck so far something bad will happen."

"Doesn't it always?" Fletch asked her

"Yes, but lately to me its been rather hectic." she explained

"Why's that?" Fletch asked

Blackfire sighed at this, realising that she might as well start telling her story since she had heard Fletch's.

"Well it all started back on Tamaran where I had just taken power as the Grand Ruler." She began

"That doesn't sound so bad." Fletch told her "I mean you're the leader of a whole planet and everything. Its the easiest job in the world."

"Trust me Tamaran is not at all an easy planet to rule." Blackfire told Fletch "In fact I'm surprised I actually ever wanted the job at all considering all that has happened recently."

"What do you mean?" Fletch asked

"People kept coming to me with so many problems it hurt my head." Blackfire responded, clutching her forehead to further characterise the point. "Taxes are too high, people are hungry, they want protection, free healthcare, me to outlaw this, ratify that, it really got annoying after awhile so I thought of a way to shut them all up and still keep power while not looking like either an ass or a dictator."

Fletch knew where this was going.

"You faked an invasion huh?" He questioned

"Correct." Blackfire answered "And thats where the trouble began."

Is Blackfire actually going to talk about her entire life story on the way to the fuel station with Fletch? When is she ever going to get going to Earth now that she has both the emans and the proper directions to reach it? Why exactly was it relevant to cover a mis-fired missile heading towards a group of Chronitons before it exploded? And do Chronitons even exist in the real world of non-fiction anyway? For possible answers or perhaps no answers at all stay tuned for the next installment of 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy.'


	5. Chapter 5

When I was writing this story over the last week I completely ran out of ideas after the Evolt Tion chapter. I briefly thought about Blackfire visiting the total infinity vortex...but then realised that if she survived it then that would deminish Zaphod Beeblbrox's superiority and therefore I dropped the idea. Instead I decided to end it here, with one last philosophy lesson and a few random jokes here and there. Also a brief cameo by a favourite character from the original guide series who I enjoyed very much.

I do hope I've managed to live up to the original guide by D. Adams at least in a small way. The end however to me as I originally wrote isn't guide-ish enough so I'm re-working it. Once again I do hope I've suceeded in making a good parody of Adam's original and have paid homage tot he series he's so fondly remembered for.

* * *

Chapter 5: A Small Stint on a Fuel Station

and then

Somewhere Else

Many people already know much about the life of Blackfire of Tamaran who has lived a rather roller coaster life since her birth. She was born before her sister princess Starfire, which meant she should've inherited the throne first. She could not fly however and so she was unfit for the throne for some ridiculous reason that was extremely outdated beyond imagination.

It doesn't matter though because before either of the siblings could take the throne their parents were killed by the invading Gordanian army and, in order to save the planet, Blackfire gave up her sister to them.

However this didn't satisfy the Gordanians apparently because in some ridiculous turn of events the Gordanians took Blackfire as well and decided to experiment on the two Tamaranian girls. Why they didn't do the more obvious thing people would do with captured women from other planets could probably be explained by the fact that most Gordanians are impotent and merely grow their offspring in pods, or clone them no one is sure, whatever the reason though Gordanians never ever think of sex...ever.

Therefore they wasted their time experimenting on the poor girls instead for the hell of it. Eventually the experiments gave Blackfire the ability to fly and shoot laser balls that were called starbolts out of her hands. Starfire gained the same abilities. Blackfire couldn't enjoy her flight abilities, however, because she was a prisoner. The logical thing to do was escape the Gordanians of course while leaving her sister to rot on the Gordanians space ship.

This, however, worked out for her sister. Starfire escaped to the planet Earth, caused a bit of mindless destruction and met a nice young man from the City of Gotham with a Bird's name. She became a hero on Earth and apparently never went back to her home planet except on special occassions. As for Blackfire, after living such a crappy life on her homeworld and being passed over she travelled the Galaxy alone.

She eventually drifted into a life of crime of course and framed Starfire for one of her thefts because she was still pissed over that whole 'no flying means no throne' rule which wasn't even entirely Starfire's fault. Blackfire was found out however and sent to Galactic jail where she spared no time in breaking out and traveling back to her own planet to take it over 'for kicks' as she quoted.

Of course as we've previously mentioned, she was soon bored, went too far with the whole powerful planetary grand ruler and pretty much got exiled when her sister beat her in a challenge for the throne inevitably ending her up on Refus 12 and starting this entire ridiculous adventure we have just read about.

The reason this is being mentioned of course is because, like any good story, the events of the first chapter are quite possibly going to connect themselves with that of these last two chapters making Blackfire's journey as an exile in space come full circle. Also it most likely will explain why the introduction to 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' has such hope in actually getting people like Blackfire to learn something from this whole bloody mess about being exiled in the first place and that everything happens for a reason, otherwise it wouldn't have happened at all.

In some roundabout way, this could explain why 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' has the words "Don't Spazz Out" printed on the back in largey friendly yellow letters so as to show the reader that everything will eventually work out for the better because if things are bad then it is for a reason and they will most likely get better.

And things cannot possibly get any worse for Blackfire and her new friend Fletch of Evolt Tion who are now sitting in a diner while their spaceship refuels. Blackfire has pretty much just reiterated her entire short backstory and her recent hair-raising adventure across the galaxy's outer rim to Fletch who to say the least is rather surprised that she has gone through all that and hasn't gone insane yet, as he is about to iterate now.

"I'm, surprised you've gone through all that and haven't gone insane yet!" Said Fletch to Blackfire as he sat in the chair at the dingy diner with Blackfire beside him.

"Yeah me too." She responded "Its been one crap planet after another ever since I was exiled. If I could do it all over again I most likely would've just exiled Starfire first. That way I could've stayed on as Grand Ruler and got to see her life ruined."

"It can't be that good a job." Fletch told her "I mean, what's the fun in sitting on a big chair all day barking orders at people."

"That's really the best part Fletch." Blackfire explained "You'd understand if you ever ruled a planet for at least a day." She looked over the counter at the kitchen behind it. "Hey! Could I get another Snorekel Gruzzer Blaster here!"

"Keep your shirt on lady!" The greasy alien at the kitchen window said "You're not the only one here you know. You've had over 20 of those things already."

"I'm still thirsty!" Blackfire yelled back

"Whatever," the kitchen labourer said "if you pee your pants though its your fault."

The chef returned to the kitchen and out of their view. Blackfire merely shook her head and returned her gaze to Fletch

"You see!" she said "This is what I'm talking about. When I was Grand Ruler people never questioned my orders when I asked for something. Here I'm just another dead beat like everyone else at this diner."

"Hey!" A non-discriminate person called from the next table.

"Oh zip it you know its true." Blackfire called back.

"Well sure the ordering around is nice," Fletch told her "but listening to all those complaints, all that whinning, hell it was one of the reasons our planet's leaders left for their giant Ivory Tower. They wanted to get away from our problems with them. Didn't you ever feel like that?"

"Yes," Blackfire admitted "but after a few dozen protests I just tuned everyone else out. I guess it was one of the reasons they were so quick to throw me out though. I mean nobody likes being ignored I suppose."

"Tell me about it." Fletch concured "No body listened to reason when the time skipping started. Practically everyone with a brain knew what we had evolved from. Oh, but our leaders maintained that we hadn't evolved from weird disgusting creatures that crawled their way out of the muck and developed intelligence on their own."

"What exactly did you evolve from again?" Blackfire asked

"I think it was a slug-like lungfish of some kind." Fletch said "The early time skips made remembering difficult."

"If your leaders are such asses why didn't you revolt?" Blackfire asked

"We tried storming the tower for awhile," Fletch answered "but we got tired walking up all those stairs and they had destroyed the elevator so we just gave up. Besides, why didn't your people revolt?"

"Because I wasn't that cruel a leader." She explained "Sure, maybe a few people got hurt yeah, but nobody died!"

"Sometimes I've thought of dying." A robot sitting next to them said in a monotone voice "The thought occured to me that I could stick my right hand into the side of my head and cause a short circuit. No one asked me to do it though, so the discovery lost all purpose and meaning."

"Do I know you?" Blackfire asked the robot

"No of course you don't." The robot told her "No one even notices me anymore until I start talking. I've been here forever and no one's noticed me at all. The first 1000 years were the worst, the next 1000 they were the worst too, the third 1000 I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."

"Why have you been here for 3000 years?" Blackfire asked

"Something exploded and open up a gate in the time space continuim." The robot explained "It sent my friend cascading into space and the left me behind. They always do that you know."

"Why don't you leave?" Blackfire asked

"I would," The robot answered "but in case you didn't realise I'm feeling very depressed."

"Well you're a load of laughs to talk to then." Blackfire spat back

"No I'm not," the robot answered "stop using your sarcasm to get my hopes up."

The robot got up and slinkered away.

"Geez, that guy is bordering on emo." Blackfire said "Worse its making me more depressed then I was before. I mean here i am stuck in a diner trying to get to Earth with a another alien along for the ride."

"Ever think there's a reason for any of it?" Fletch asked "You know, about this whole journey.

"Of course there's a reason, I've been banished from my own planet!" Blackfire told him "Its like everyone on Tamaran loves my sister more then me! Hell, even X'aul seem to like her more! Otherwise I would've won that throne challenge."

"Ever consider you wouldn't be here if you just let this whole sibling rivalrly thing go?" Fletch asked

"Yeah I did." Blackfire admitted with a sigh "Its just been such a tough couple of days really. I've barely gotten any sleep or food and travelling all over the galaxy can really bum you out. Especially when you see how the rest of the Galaxy is like."

"What do you mean?" Fletch asked

"I'm beginning to think something is inherently wrong with the universe." Blackfire explained "So far I've encountered, super powerful Bereaucracies running everything, gay bashing alien races, a planet full of messed up hippies and right-winged fanatics and another one that can't keep its time periods straight. Its like every place I've gone to so far is either run by assholes or is populated entirely by assholes! I mean whaty hope is there for this universe if everyone is just a complete jerk!"

"Well its one part of the Galaxy that's pretty messed up." Fletch assured "I'm sure the other galaxies aren't as screwy as this one."

"I severely doubt that considering the last three alien races I've encountered." Blackfire replied "The worst part is that its making me think about how I screwed my people over when I was their leader! Sure I'm not exactly a mama's girl, but I don't want to be known as evil overlord of the galaxy. I just do things for fun! For the heck of it! If it gets my sister screwed over then thats a plus, but its not like I'm evil...malicious maybe, but not evil."

"Seems you've had a bit of an eye opener." Fletch told her

"Yeah and it sucks." Blackfire responded "I'd rather have been stuck on my own planet as its ruler. That way I never would've learned any of this and I wouldn't have to think of myself in a bad light. I mean I've never done a decent nice thing in my life!

Blackfire slammed her fist on the counter, creating a small dent in the table top.

"Everything revolved around making my sister's life miserable and mine better," She continued "but everytime I try it screws me over. First I end up in prison, then I get exiled. "

Blackfire placed her head on the counter and covered it with her hands. The whole conversation was beginning to depress her.

"All I want is someone to say something good about me is all." She stated "Its always been perfect Starfire this and good Starfire that, but whenever I do something its just to get back at her for being nice! And thats accomplished nothing! Just once, I want to show Starfire up, but not get screwed over for it. I want to accomplish something that she has never done. The worst part is I never would've figured this all out of Starfire didn't banish me! X'aul I hate her!"

Fletch only nodded a little

"Hmm, I guess its true what they say," Fletch thought aloud "Ignorance is bliss."

Blackfire had finally gotten out of her stupor when her glass of Snorekel Gruzzer Blaster arrived. When she had taken the first sip of it she realised that something was wrong.

"How long have we been here exactly Fletch?" she asked

"Three days I think." He told her

"Three days!" Blackfire said in astonishment "Why didn't you say something?!?"

"You didn't ask." Fletch told her "Besides I was too interested in your life story. It was like a comic book without the pages or the artwork."

Blackfire looked around the counter, remembering she had bought twenty one Snorekel Gruzzer Blasters in about three days. With no money on her if she wanted to keep herself out of scrubbing the dishes until she had paid off the thrity credits she must've now owed she decided to do what she always did...ditch.

"Let's get back to the ship Fletch" she said "...quietly."

"You don't have any money do you?" he asked

"Perceptive as always," Said Blackfire "if we get out of this I'll give you a cookie."

Silently slipping out the front door while no one was looking the two climbed into the spaceship.

"We have only about two more days left in this rental," Fletch told her "we better get moving to Earth and fast."

"Gotcha." Blackfire complied "Now let's get out of here-"

Blackfire turned the key in the ignition, but nothing happened.

"I thought this thing was refueled!" Blackfire yelled at the machine

"Ignition must be messed up." Fletch told her

"Great now what do we do?" Blackfire asked

"Well we better do something fast cause here comes the chef." Fletch said pointing out the window.

Indeed the chef was coming out the door as they spoke. Blackfire panicked to say the least. Searching around for a way to get out of this predicament she started pressing random buttons hoping they did something. The chef burst out the door of the diner.

"Hey you!" He shouted

Blackfire lost it, with no options left she frantically looked around the ship. She eyed the emergency power up button. She slammed it hard with her open palm. The engines roared to life and the ship began to take off. However it did not peacefully blast off like most ships it instead blasted off wildly as if the ship was now being slingshoted out into a space by a giant rather rude little child.

"What's going on!?!" Blackfire screamed

"We've been launched into hyperspace I think!" Fletch answered

"Why the hell are we being launched into hyperspace!?!" Blackfire demanded "We don't have a hyperspace drive!"

"I don't know why!"

The ship had taken off so fast that the resounding blast of the engines had knocked the chef onto his feet and preety much blew half of the small station apart. The chef could only say one thing as Blackfire and Fletch dissapeared out of sight.

"Moochers." He mumbled.

The reason of course why Blackfire and Fletch are being propelled into hyperspace is because their fuel tank was not fueled with regular rocket fuel, but intstead was fueled with lightspeed fuel. Lightspeed fuel is like rocket fuel only it doesn't go into the fuel tank, but the lightspeed generator's fuel tank of a ship.

The reason it exists is because space travellers soon realised that when they went into hyperspace they ran out of fuel rather fast. The lightspeed generator was sharing the ship's own fuel tank. Therefore hyperspace was short and didn't really get anywhere fast, only as far as you would've on one tank of gas.

Therefore a seperate fuel tank was installed for just the lightspeed generator. It was to be fueled with only lightspeed fuel that could last for miles and propel you even faster then most ordinary fuels in the galaxy. Hyperspace trips were therefore faster and longer and so by contrast travelling was shorter.

Unfortunately if you put lightspeed fuel into a regular tank it would give the engine near lightspeed capabilites on its own without the use of a generator. Because of this both Blackfire and Fletch have now been propelled several miles off course from Earth and are about to exit hyperspace in the atmosphere above a different planet. On their way though their ship accidentally smashed through the Ralphaysian ship that Blackfire disabled before.

It had been limping after her rather pathetically and had managed to get in the way of her now speeding ship. It was going so fast that it managed to completely smash through the main armory of the ship without a scratch. This went unoticed by Blackfire and Fletch who were too busy having their faces squished back into their seats before they could realise anything.

The Ralphaysian ship meanwhile began to exploded left and right. The captain believed that his ship's lockdown procedures would hold out against the constant explosions reverberating throughout the ship and because all Ralphaysians both believe authority without question and think they're always right everyone agreed with him.

The lockdown however made things worse. With the armory now blocked off by a big metal slab door the pressure built up inside the room until it fell apart and released a backdraft throughout the ship killing thousands. They were lucky however. The captain and his crew had to deal with the fact that their engines had now exploded from the backdraft and they were now overheating. Within seconds the ship exploded in a fireball with the captain uttering his last words, 'I was still right about the lockdown.'

Blackfire could nto relish the fact that the hairy freaks were now destroyed, she was too busy feeling her brains turning into mush. as illustrated here,

"My...brains...are...turning...into...mush!!!"

Fletch himself had his face pretty much contorted into several famous celeberities of Earth. He never found out which ones, but they were Babe Ruth, David Lettermen, Bob Saget, Mr. Rogers, Jay Leno, and Mr. Bellevedere.

Eventually they will exit hyperspace as we mentioned before and all of this will stop so they will not be in pain much longer and seeing a new planet will give them reason to relax.

When they see this planet they will be overcome with shock in awe at its beauty and majesty and Blackfire will be in more shock in awe when its true identity is revealed. If readers at this point are brought to some form of overwhelming anticipation we would remind you to do as the "Exiled Ruler's guide to the Galaxy" instructs and that they do not 'Spazz out' and remain calm and patient while we go through another paragraph that will explain everything to you and Blackfire about this planet, the guide and everything else you may want to know about the story.

So let us now return to Blackfire and Fletch as they exit hyperspace.

"Whoa." Fletch said in astonishment "That is one big city down there."

"Takes up quite a bit of the planet." Blackfire added "Has to be if we can see it from this high up."

"What's with the walls surrounding it?" Fletch said pointing out the edge of the city, which indeed was surrounded in walls.

"Probably there to do what wall's do," Blackfire told him "keep something in or keep something out. Theres really no other purpose for a wall you know."

"Yeah I know," Fletch said "I'm just making an observation."

Blackfire looked dowb at the ship's computerized map in front of her.

"Great," she said "we're way off course now."

"Not to mention all our fuel has been burnt up." Fletch added "We'll need to land."

"My expierence with planets so far has told me landing isn't a good idea." Blackfire told him "Niether is asking for directions or trying to ask for a ride."

"Well we're going to crash then," Fletch told her "didn't you listen to me? We're out of gas!"

"I think I'd rather crash." Blackfire said "That way its like I didn't have a choice and I refused to go willingly."

"Just give me the wheel." Fletch demanded

"Fine," Blackfire said getting of the pilot's chair "you land. Don't say I didn't warn ya about it though."

After switching places in the driver seat the two tired Travellers landed on an indiscriminate landing pad ontop of a small building. The top of the ship popped open and out Fletch and Blackfire went. The city was fantastic. Shiny chrome building and flying cars everywhere, as far as the eye could see. A high powered monorail system could be seen off in the distance. People on the streets could be seen waving to each other as they passed by. The skyscrapers reached high into the clouds, with people landing and departing from pads on every level. There were even some exterior elevators on the sides of some buildings. It was truly a breathtaking sight. and as Blackfire looked around she soon saw something in the distance. It immedietly caught her eye. It appeared to be a large satute off in the distance, and it looked familiar.

"What the heck...?" Blackfire asked herself as she began to take off.

"Hey where the hell are you going?" Fletch asked

"There's something over there." Blackfire told him, picking him up by thr hand "Something that reminds of something."

Blackfire and Fletch flew over to the statue. Fletch complained a little about being dragged along on a detour sight seeing trip when they should've been thinking of a way to get to Earth. However any animosity he felt towards this was quickly shattered when the two got close enough to see what the statue was.

It was a spitting image of Blackfire, in a stance that made it look like she was throwing something into the distance. They looked off in the direction she was throwing and saw a stone man, hanging in mid air, being chucked aside like a piece of trash.

"What the hell is this!?" Blackfire demanded "Why do these people have a statue of me? and more importantly how the hell is that stone man hanging in mid air?"

"Beats me." Fletch said "Maybe an anti-gravity field or something."

"I would be able to see the generator from here." Blackfire said as the two landed "It would be the size of ten football fields! And nothing remotely looks like that around here."

"Well why don't ask our crowd of curious onlookers?" Fletch told her pointing to the right of them.

Blackfire looked over to the right and saw what Fletch had described. a whole group of people looking at them with wide eyes and complete amazement. saying things like:

"It cannot be."

"It is her!"

"How is she still alive?"

"By god she's the one! The liberator of our people!"

"Did I miss something?" Blackfire asked "I didn't dissapear for a few hours back at the diner did I? i mean I drank a lot of the alcoholic beverages there."

"Nah," Fletch told her "watched you wide awake for three days straight. You never vanished from the diner."

"So how do all these people know me?" Blackfire asked "And how the hell do they have a statue of me?"

"We must take her to the elders!" One man in crowd said

"Yes!" another one said "The elders must know! Our liberator has returned at last!"

"All hail Blackfire of Tamaran!" Yet another said "Destroyer of the evil Pencil men!"

"Pencil men?" Blackfire said confused

Her question went unanswered, for she and Fletch were quickly grabbed by the mob of onlookers and paraded through the streets. Blackfire tried to complain, but it was no use. Fletch seemed to be enjoying the attention. They eventually paraded up an down the streets of the city until the mob brought them to a large domed building with marble pillars surrounding the huge entrance doors. The mob brought fletch and Blackfire into the building and set them down in the center of a large room.

"Well that was weird." Blackfire said looking up at the surrounding benches of people all peering at her in amazement. "Its like the entire planet is my fan club."

"The fifty story statue wasn't a big enough clue for ya?" Fletch snarked

Before Blackfire could bark back a gentle laugh reverberated through the chamber as an old man with a cane descended the stairs. Wearing a cloak over his head he chuckled his way up to Blackfire and simply nodded.

"So you're Blackfire eh?" He said "Heh, heh, in all my years I never thought we'd see you again."

"I'm sorry have we met?" Blackfire asked

"Oh no, of course not." he said "You haven't met us, oh no, I'm sure you haven't. But you see we do know you. You've been a legend on this planet for over 20, 000 years."

"20, 000 years!?" Blackfire shouted "But I'm not even that friggin old!"

"Well I don't know why or how you're still alive my dear," the old man said "but you are indeed here and very much alive and as young as ever when you first visited us. You may call me the Old Councilman and I'd like to welcome you once more to Refus 12."

The revelation came as a shock to Blackfire, but of course knowledgable readers most likely would've guessed this plot twist in the story and therefore its somewhat hollow to them. This is another point where we must stress that you "Do Not Spazz Out" either over how ridiculous this plot may seem or over the fact it was so obvious. Unlike Blackfire who seem to be under a lot of stress over all this.

"Refus 12!" She said loudly, filling th chamber with her voice "How the hell am I back on Refus 12!?! It doesn't even look like Refus 12! How the hell could I have been gone for twenty thousand years!?! I left here a week ago!"

"Hmm," The Old Councilman said scratching his chin "Well that explains everything then."

"Not to me it doesn't!" Blackfire told him "Its not exactly normal to leave a planet only to come back and find out that 20, 000 years have passed since your last visit! How the friggin hell is that possible?!!"

"I got to agree with Blackfire here." Fletch said "I mean, sure time isn't the same everywhere else in the Galaxy or even on a single planet, but a twenty thousand year difference is...well mind boggling."

At this moment Blackfire began to hyper-ventilate, while repeating the Guide's friendly advice.

"Don't Spazz Out, Don't Spazz out, Don't Spazz..."

"Perhaps I should explain before she collapses." The old councilman said.

"Yes please." Fletch answered "We're both eager to hear it."

"Well," The old councilman began "not long after Blackfire left our planet was besieged by a large storm that was rather out of the ordinary. It came from space and descended on the planet in minutes. It was rather gastly. Many of us ran for cover as lighting and thunder pierced the now purple sky. It stopped as suddenly as it came, but for some weird reason the sky remained purple and we never understood why. It wasn't until decades later that we discovered the storm was not at all a natural occurence. It was in fact...chronitonic."

"Chrona-whata?" Blackfire asked confused, Fletch was not confused however.

"He means the storm was a Chroniton Storm." Fletch explained "The damn thing was basically a mix of violently unstable chronitons. Back on my planet these happened a lot. When a Chroniton Storm hit an area of the planet began to age rapidly, if you go caught in it you'd age or grow younger until you were a pile of bones or ceased to exist."

"So how did a chroniton storm happen here?" Blackfire asked

Fletch thought for a second and immedietly slapped his forehead

"That missile that we fired at the Megador," he recounted "it must've flew up into the atomsphere and exploded. It would've sent a large amount of Chronitons flying in all direction, all of them incredibly unstable. One group must've found its way here. The storm must've mixed with the unique atmoshpere of the planet and caused the change in the sky's color."

"That is what our scientists assumed." The old councilman told them "And because of that, the chronitons stayed in our atmosphere for for many more years before they finally pittled out. Meaning our planet's time development sped up. What seemed like a week to you was 20, 000 years to us."

"This is really giving me a headache." Blackfire said shaking her head

"He you weren't the one stuck on a planet rapidly evolving under our very noses while the rest of the galaxy stayed the same."

"So does that mean its gonna be a thousand years when I leave this place then?" Blackfire asked

"No, not at all." The old councilman explained "A few days ago the sky returned to its natural state it was 20, 000 years ago. Now that its no longer purple we believe that means we're finally back to normal speed with the rest of the galaxy."

"Well that explains the where, when and how of all this," Blackfire said "but it doesn't explain the why. Why is there a giant statue of me throwing a man across the planet?"

The old councilman smiled

"Well that is a far more interesting story," he said "one thats been passed down generation after generation and is the very basis of our society."

"Great," Blackfire said "mind telling it?"

"Oh yes of course," the old councilman said "well you see our people have only ever faced two blights, the first one back in the era of the Refus' refugee planet status days. That on being the blight of the Bureacrats."

"Oh yeah them." Blackfire said, being reminded of the stupid pencil pushers. "Those guys were assholes."

"Yes they were," the old councilman said "and looking back on it we don't know why we tolerated them. We let them run every aspect of our lives, our food, our water, our shelter, and had to wait years to ask permission to leave this refugee world. Until one day someone showed up who decided they were not going to waste sixty years waiting for a paper to pass through their offices so they could leave. That person was you Blackfire."

_**Well thanks for the help Refugees. If you need me I'll be planning my escape thank you.**_

"You know when I hear it from this perspective I can't help but think I was little rude there." Blackfire comented on hearing her voice verberate through the chamber. "How are you doing that anyway?"

"Would you beleive a 20, 000 year old tape recording?" The old councilman asked

"That'll do." blackfire commented

"Anyway," the old councilman continued "unlike the rest of us who just stood in line like idiots you butted to the front of the line and confronted the bureaucrat at that booth. Not caring about his rules you beat him to a pulp."

_**You need to fill out the proper form to institute violence against a member of the Intergalactic Bureaucracy!**_

"Throwing him aside and stealing his ship made you the first person to escape the planet without attempting to go through the proper paper work." The old councilman explained "And the bureaucrat you threw refused to sign the forms that would approve the signing of the forms that would approve going after you until he got a new pencil which was broken when he was thrown by you. So he sent forms to order the form to order a new pencil to be delivered to him so he could sign your pursue paper to be...well you get the picture."

"Indeed." Blackfire said rolling her eyes

The old councilman continued

"We suddenly realised that just because the bureaucrats were more powerful then us it didn't mean we had to take orders from a bunch of idiots like them. So one night we all banded together and decided to end their rule once and for all.

_**Death to the pencil pushers!**_

_**You must sign the proper forms in order to throw the first punch.**_

_**"SMACK"**_

_**Grab his legs! Hold him down while we kick him in the stomach!**_

"After we defeated them we set the bereaucrats to work on making a giant statue in your honor." The old councilman explained "When it was compelte we loaded them a giant ship and blasted them away from the planet. Effectively we had banished them from Refus 12."

"Kinda ironic huh?" Blackfire asked jokingly

"Well duh!" Fletch responded

"Since then we've built a pristine society, a sorta utopia of sorts." The old councilman continued "We established our own form of government, economy system and even a well armed milita. We've been living in perfect harmony ever since."

"So you've had no wars or anything at all?" Blackfire asked

"Well unfortunately no." The old councilman explained "You seven thousand years ago we encountered the second blight. We found that the bureaucrats had lauched a weapon on our planet. I'm amazed they managed to file all the proper paper work for it in time. Anyway it was basically was a transport ship that contained an army of crinimals and other undesirables. Complete opposites of the bureaucrats, unordarily and uncoordinated. Apparently they were trying to figure what to do with them all for awhile. Must've found a form that approved for them all to be shipped to another planet.

"What happened?" Blackfire asked

We managed to fight them back an launch an atomic missile at them," The old councilman explained "however it just mutated them all into mutants and they've been patrolling the area outside the wall ever since. There are incursions now an then, but they never get around to doing anything devatating. also they've developed blisters and have horrible limps. Makes rush attacks ineffective and thats all they're really good at."

"So you guys are basically stuck in you own city now huh?" Blackfire said "Well that blows."

"Actually we don't mind." the old councilman explained "If it weren't for the mutant raiders this place would be too bloddy perfect."

"What's wrong with that?" Blackfire asked

"There's no such thing as perfect Blackfire of Tamaran." The old councilman explained "This utopian city you see came from years of hard work and sacrafice on everyone's part. Some people didn't like it and they complained. There were arguments and debates all throughout the years on how we should go about building this society. The only reason we didn't resort to war was because we all remembered what got us here in the first place."

"That you were all kicked out of your previous homes." Said Blackfire "Well I suppose being poor does make you have a common bond with other poo people. I wouldn't know I've rich most of my life."

"Ahem." The old councilman said

"Oh sorry was I babbiling there?" Blackfire asked

"Yes you were, can I please continue with my point?"

"By all means." Blackfire told him

"As I was saying" The old councilman said "Our planet is now inhabited by many races from across the galaxy and everyone only gets along because we've never forgotten who we are or how we've gotten here. And there have always been a few assholes here and there, but hey we just let it go."

"What if they just don't shut up?" Blackfire asked

"Well we usually call them trolls and ban them from any more debate sessions." The old councilman explained

"That would work, did back on Evolt Tion." Fletch nodded "The elders back home just about banned everyone though."

"We rarely get pissed at each other and we've basically all decided that we agree to disagree and accept that in difference we are all the same." The old councilman explained "That way, debates don't turn into mud sling fest where everyone on one side calls the other a Nazi or a Communist or a pinko or anything like that. The mutant raiders just made us understand that even more. Nothing is ever perfect."

Blackfire tried to soak in what the councilman was trying to tell her. It only took a minute to fully understand.

"So, you're saying that no society is perfect, everyone has their problems." Blackfire said "The important thing is how you resolve the problems, not on who is right or wrong?"

"Meh, good enough answer for me." The old councilman said.

"Just one last question though." Blackfire stated "How exactly did you get that statue of the man to stay in the air."

"Because its artistically correct of course." The old councilman explained "That simple really. The laws of gravity are not as absolute as you'd think they were."

"So it stays in the air cause its artistically showing me throwing someone?" Blackfire asked

"Pretty much, really its better not to worry about it." The old councilman explained "We stopped caring right after we built it."

Blackfire sighed

"Yeah," she said "I suppose it isn't that big a deal anyway."

"Well Blackfire of Tamaran," the old councilman said shaking her hand "You cannot imagine the debt of graditude we owe to you. You were the one who showed us not to take crap from stupid individuals liek the Interglactic Bureaucracy. Thanks to you we've turned froma third world mud ball in semi-prestine paradise."

"Well glad to hear I did something good for once." Blackfire said, and a second after saying this she realised something "Hey! I did something good! I got an entire planet of people to rise up against a bad system with one simple act of thinking for myself!"

Defiantly pointing towards the heavens Blackfire shook her fist

"You hear that sis!?" she bellowed "I saved a whole damn planet from a bureacratic dictatorship! Whose laughing now bitch!?"

"Good to see you so happy Blackfire." Fletch told her

"Yeah well after having a crappy week this is sorta refreshing." she said "I guess somethings happen for a reason. There really was no reason to Spazz out. Just like the guide said."

The old councilman nodded with a smile

"And now let us repay our debt to you Blackfire of Tamaran." the old councilman said "Is there anything we can do for you?"

Blackfire thought it over a bit.

"Well I need a lift to Earth actually." she told them

"Oh is that all then?" The old councilman asked, Blackfire nodded and he motioned her to a small pad at the back of the room. "We can get you to Earth in an instant with this. Its a transmat we've been developing for a few months. They can instantly transport you to anywhere you wish to go with just a slight thought. We just use them to cross town. You can use it to visit Earth."

"Really?" Blackfire said astonished "Does it work that well?"

"Well its still in development for long distance travel," the old councilman said "but I'm sure it will work."

"Better then trusting my fate to a crap spaceship." Blackfire said, she then looked at Fletch "Come on Fletch lets go."

"Nah," he said "I think I'd rather stay here really."

"Why?" Blackfire asked

"Its a freakin paradise Blackfire!" He pointed out to her "Hell, why would I want to leave? Besides, Earth seems primative compared to all this cool techno stuff lying around here. You understand right?"

"Yeah you're a geek." Blackfire told him

"And proud of it too." Fletch exclaimed

"Well I hope you're happy here," She told him "but for me, I jsut want to go to Earth. This journey has been a severe drain. I primative planet like Earth sounds more relaxing to me then a utopian paradise."

"As long as you think its best I have no problem with that." Fletch told her

"Don't get touchy feely we've only known each other for like three days." Blackfire told him "Besides, if I ever get the chance to drop by here again I'll be sure to look you up."

"We both know you won't come back here." He told her

"Yeah," Blackfire admited "but give me a break here. I've had to go through bureucrats, homophobic aliens, a left/right wing planet at war and a planet with a time crisis problem. I just wanna lay off the adventuring okay?"

"Suits me." Fletch shrugged.

Blackfire stepped on the pad as it began to power up.

"Well I guess this is good bye then huh Fletch?" she said

"See you in the funny paper Blackie." He waved

"Goodbye Blackfire of Tamaran," The old councilman said "And remember, just because the universe is full of idiots doesn't mean its entirely run by them."

And with a flash of light Blackfire was gone.

With another flash of light Blackfire appeared just a few meters above Earth's surface. Floating down to ground she landed peacefully on a rooftop overlooking a big city and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Finally, Earth." she said "no more galaxy treking."

Blackfire took out the Guide and look at it

"Thanks to you guide I've managed to understand the universe." she said "Now I know why you have the words 'Don't Spazz Out' on your cover. I shouldn't get so frustrated about my place in this galaxy. Everything happens for a reason and it usually turns out okay. I feel much better now then I did a week ago. I'm gonna keep you to remind me of that valuable lesson, and to remind of how messed up the universe really is."

The book of course said nothing because it was not asked a particular question

"I just have one last question for now." Blackfire said before clearing her throat "What do you have to say about Tamaran."

With a beep the guide flashed to a picture of Blackfire planet

_Tamaran is a planet that has unfortunately been attacked several times over its existing, its apparently a planet that anyone who wants to become a war faring planet or go to war at any point they must first drop at least one bomb on the surface._

"That why we have so many craters." Blackfire said "Lucky us there isn't much to actually bomb."

_Tamaranians usually keep to themselves but when they're prevoked they will usually start attacking the prevoking party at once. They're a decent bunch of aliens however just unfortunately rather spiteful of the rest of the Galaxy._

_The Tamaranians are also very in touch with their emotions and will not hesistate to express them fully in any situation. A vocal people who speak their mind and do not accept being pushed around by others they are considered, by this guide at least, one of the most unscrewed up race in the Galaxy. Its not exactly a large running, but its something._

_Tamaran is not exactly a looker of a planet, but many people like its desolate nature because it means most of the land is cheap and its easy to purchase a summer home there._

"Our main source of Economy actually." Blackfire said "Next to our various produce that most of the glaxy considers a barbaric delicacy."

_Tamaran is ruled by a Grand Ruler who makes all of the decisions for the people. Essentially an emperor or monarch, but usually less tyrannical._

Blackfire grew a little embarrased at that statement.

_If you enocunter a Tamaran the best course of action is to just be friendly and do not say words like Troq or Troqqy to them because they are offensive and not to mention they would beat you down within seconds. You do not want to piss off a Tamaranian._

"Damn Straight." Blackfire added

_Finally, if you wish to have any form of affection with a Tamaranian of the opposite sex without having to go into a relationship with them the best way is to speak another language. Because Tamaranians can instantly learn other languages through lip contact it means most of them kiss the first non-Tamaranian speaking person they meet._

"We make a lot of friends through that lip contact thing." Blackfire smiled "Especially nerdy aliens, man do they go for it."

_This has at times led toa form of confusion with people whoa re not knowledgable of this ability of Tamaranians. During their acceptance into the Galactic Federation, the female Tamaranian amabassador kissed the at time all male delegation of the Federation that were present. This confused some of the people in the room, including the then President of the Federation who asked the Tamaranian Ambassador to cease her actions and if she'd like to go back to his quarters. The Ambassador declined and sat back down. The rejection pained the Galactic president so much that he died a lonely and broken man._

"We have that effect on people." Blackfire said smiling slyly.

When it was done, Blackfire put the guide back in her sack.

"Now I might as well start building a new life here on Earth then." She thought "Better get some kind of job. Hopefully it pays high. Super model will do I think."

A newspaper floated up to her and she grabbed it. opening it up she found a large want add on the front of it.

"Hiring," she read "one good looking hot chick to play as a Vietnamese girl in a parody of Rambo. For more information call this number and ask for General Rage."

Blackfire closed the paper

"Hmm, an acting gig." she thought "Always did like show bussiness. Wonder why a director is making the film. Meh, whatever, he sounds cute. And making a film should be fun. something to take my mind off this whole damn Galactic quest thing. Look out Earth, Blackfire is back! And she's ready to show this puny planet and its ape inhabitants what she can do! I hope my sister isn't connected to this movie."

And so end this tale of "The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy." At this point Blackfire's next step is covered in another Fanfic story entitled, Teen Titans in Movie Parodies from Hell. Because of this our story ends and a new one begins, as every story does. As for the guide in its closing statement to the reader in the epilogue it states something somewhat smiliar.

"Thank you for reading our book. Please wait for the next update as soon as possible. Until then we hope you're travels are plesant and devoid of life threating situations. And remember, do not spazz out."

There are more tales of the guide's many users, but for now we close our story with the traditional mark of completion that you can find in most tales of this nature, the time worn phrase of a final draft...

The End


End file.
